Naked Girls & Whips

It was a normal night like any other. We sat around playing Old Maid with a deck of nudie-man cards. I was losing as usual and I was beginning to get tired of being the Old Maid. Suddenly our game was disrupted by a drunken storm of rowdy youngsters who enter the store yelling and screaming. The better looking of the bunch resembled Sasha Grey and she approached us and said in a very loud voice, "Do you mind if we try on clothes.". Of course not I replied and I watched as the drunks picked out some very revealing lingerie.
Sasha heads over to the dressing room and tries on her first outfit as her friends take turns whipping and beating each others ass in with whips and paddles. The dressing room door swings open and there Sasha stands there in a thong, fishnets and a show-stopper see-thru bra as she put on some spiked heels. A old man was pretending to look at lube's as he gazed with delight into the dressing room at the naked girl. I couldn't figure out whether or not I should watch the sexy babe or the old man who was lurking around.
Sasha strolls out of the dressing room and bends over so her friends can whip her bare ass. I tell her that these cats have no style and can't compete with a gentlemen like myself, who has many skills in the way of a bullwhip. She then bends over and tells me to give her the best crack Ive got. Well working in a sex shop for the past two years I have developed quite a nasty wrist snap and I was about to show this naked dingbat what I was made of. I arched my back and she bent over. I cracked the whip perfectly on her pasty ass leaving a nice gash on her pretty butt. She let out a gasp and I soon realized how drunk she was when she asked for another and then another. When I was done, I stood there wondering if she would look at her mangled ass and press charges against me or something because I really left some nasty marks.
Once she had her fill of lashings she tried on a few more outfits, each one more revealing then the last. Her girlfriends were trying on some outfits as well but the show was Sasha's and nobody was gonna take away her day in the scum.

One of her friends hands her the Great American Challenge and for those of you who are not familiar with the Challenge it is a giant purple dildo that is about four feet long and way thicker then the average mans arm. Sasha rushes over to the old man who is still lurking around the lube counter. She puts the Great American Challenge between her legs as if she had a huge purple cock and began thrusting towards the old man. His face lit up and I began to worry there might be some body fluids thrown around, that I wouldn't enjoy cleaning up. She then gets on her knees and pretends to be sucking this giant purple member. She asks the old man what he thinks and in a thick Italian accent he states "Too big". Sasha begins to laugh and the old man walks off shaking his head.
Next the Ronaconda walks in and he instantly sees Sasha standing there in a leather studded bra and panties. He pulls on his Conda and heads over to get a closer look. Sasha leans all over him and even gives him a bit of a bump and grind. Suddenly I realize that it closing time and I had the task of removing drunks, Ronaconda's and old farts from the store.
These are the moments that make the Butt-Plug supreme and it sure beats the hell out of Old Maid. Ya'll come back now, ya hear?

Official Friday The 13th Parody (2010)

I wanted to see this movie for two reasons. The first being that I am a fan of the Friday The 13th movies and I tend to like some of the shitty spoof, horror porn that they put out these days like The Texas Vibrator Massacre. The second reason is because I personally know Sara Sloane a.k.a. Sara Vandella. Before Sloane was a big star she was just another employee at the sex shop that I work at. So my co-workers and I tend to watch her movies when they come out.

Sara has her own section at my store and we proudly recommend her fuck-tapes to horny customers who seem interested. In return Sara is cool enough to stop by from time to time and take pictures with us (if were lucky, topless) and give us autographs and what not. The girl hasn't forgotten what it is like to be a underpaid smut peddler and we generally have a mutual respect.

However the Friday The 13th Parody let me down on every level. It has to be one of the worst hardcore horror parodies to come out yet and this is coming from a guy who isn't really a fan of the Saw movies but was able to dig the porn version.
Sara Sloane hitchhikes to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp despite the legend of Jason, a man who's penis was so big it weighed him down in the lake like a anchor where he drowned. Now Jason stalks the nudist camp and kills horny visitors with his "flesh eating jizz".
The story sounds funny on paper but comes off horrible on screen. We never get to see Jason do anything cool. He basically just walks around masturbating his huge mutant cock and then he shoots CGI jizz on our porn stars and the scene cuts away. In one part they reenact the Kevin Bacon arrow through the neck scene but it was done so poorly/quickly and with computer graphics that it would have been nice if they just left it out all together. The Parody also reenacts the scene where the councilors play stripopoly and to me this was the only intelligent reference in the whole movie. What better way to get into a hardcore sex scene then a game of strip-monopoly.
The thing that pissed me off the most was a flashback that was supposed to show how Jason died. We are supposed to be back in 1972 and it's the most modern looking scene in the whole movie. Jason is a big muscular Spanish man in a wife-beater with tattoos (ridiculous I know) and the blond bimbo is wearing thigh high hot topic boots and a Gothic mini skirt with a modern day school girl tie and a hipster hat. What the fuck! How the hell did they think this was a good idea?
To top off all this the movie had the nerve to go over the 90 minute mark and Ms. Sloane only had one sex scene. Surprisingly it was the worst sex scene in the whole crappy movie and this really surprised me because she really is good at what she does. I personally feel it was the lame dude they paired her up with but who can say. All I know is the Official Friday The 13th Parody was one big let down after another. Everything from the plot right down to the soundtrack. Don't waste your time on this one. If you feel the need to watch a 2010 xxx/horror/spoof check out Saw : A Hardcore Parody because the Official Friday The 13th Parody, officially sucks!

Gay Porn & The Bangles

Tonight I was blessed with a visit from one of the Buttplugs most annoying customers. His name is Mike and he is quite the individual. Mike is a mildly retarded homosexual who spends hours scanning through the gay porn section which really isn't that incredibly big.
On a normal night Mike The Gay Tard purchases one DVD at a time and walks in and out of the store to get just the exact amount of money from his car for each individual DVD. The only problem is he usually buys four or five discs at a time. He also can not remember the price of his DVDs even if he  had purchased one just minutes prior.
Tonight however, Mike The Gay Tard was in rare form. As he shuffled through the $19.95  gay porn rack he let out a roar of singing. The whole store craned their necks to see what all the commotion was. Well it was no other then Mike The Gay Tard singing Walk Like An Egyptian from the Bangles with a DVD of man on man ass licking in hand. Naturally I started to chuckle and it wasn't long before all of the customers were giggling to themselves. Mike however was completely oblivious to all the attention that he was getting and went on singing.
A short while after Mike walks up to the register and places his gay porn on the counter. How much is this one?, he asked. $19.95, I reply. He then informs me that he will have to go get the money. When the Gay Tard returns he makes the statement of his life. He says, "You son of a bitch Dillon!" and just stares at me... Eventually he says, do you know what movie that is from? Being a cheesy movie buff, I tell him that it is from Predator. The Gay Tard nods his head up and down and says, "verrrrrry goooood!" He was impressed as was I with his abnormal social skills. He then tells me that he likes to sing and I assured him that I was already aware of this and with that said, he invited me out for a night of Karaoke. I told him I wasn't much of a singer and he excepted it for what it was. He then told me to have a good night and as he headed out the door I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like on a night of Karaoke with Mike The Gay Tard. I'm sure it would be an experience. Next time I might have to except his offer.

The Ronaconda

As I have mentioned in previous posts The Buttplug sees lots of people everyday. All sorts of customers from avid pornography renters to dancers who need a new skimpy outfit or just the average misfits and dregs of society. Many of which are regulars. Some regulars are great customers and others are just kind of there.
Today I would like to introduce one of the stores most infamous regulars. He is 50-something-year-old black man named Ron but everyone at my store knows him as The Ronaconda. Ronaconda is an excellent subject for a source of entertainment and I'm sure I will be sharing his exploits on a regular basis.
First off The Ronaconda got his name from the size of his penis. He thought it would be a good idea to send pictures of his big black member to me and all of my coworkers. With a bit of brain and wit on the staff's part down at the buttplug Ron had a new name and he proudly made it a steady word in his everyday vocabulary.
Just so you can get a feel on the type of guy The Ronaconda is. He spends countless hours down at the shop. He usually comes in about two hours to closing time and he cleans up around the place, straightens all the porn out, locks the doors and shuts the lights. The Ronaconda is not employed down at the buttplug but he takes on these tasks for a few free rentals a night. Its not that he is poor or anything, Ronaconda is self employed and makes pretty good money. The real reason that he does work around the shop is that he just plain likes to hang out there. Ronaconda is totally and completely obsessed with sex. In fact its pretty much all he thinks about. Everything he does in life can be related back to his sex drive. I truly believe that the only reason he even works is so he can have money to look nice for the ladies. He is so obsessed with sex that he never leaves the house without his lucky cockring. Every pair of pants the man owns has the imprint in his pocket from his lucky cockring. (The lucky cockring thing kinda reminds me of the John Holmes movie Dear Pam. One of my favorite 70's porns.). So yeah he basically helps us close the store every night just because he digs the atmosphere. The man lives only for the pussy. Actually that's not completely true. The Ronaconda has a pretty big fetish for He/She's a.k.a. chicks with dicks but then again he pretty much has a fetish for everything. He also loves big fat women. The bigger the better, he says. The truth is that The Ronaconda is a whole lot of fun. He's even got great sayings. I quote him, "Ill toss her salad but I wanna wash the lettuce first." How brilliant is that? I have probably heard the conda use this phrase a hundred times but every time he uses it is because hes looking at some fat chicks ass.
Ronaconda is a bit of a legend down at the buttplug and his name is known by many of my friends. Now I'm gonna have to make him a legend in here. After all he is part of My World The Sewer.

H.I.V. Killed Porn

One by one porn productions were put on freeze due to the fact that a anonymous actor/actress tested positive for H.I.V. At this point just about all of the major teams put their productions on halt. In this business this is a very serious thing. Everyone who has come in sexual contact with this person needs to be tested along with anyone who came into contact with that person. Some of these porn actors will have sex with over a dozen people in a day and those people might do the same.

Los Angeles Times-
"Under law, reporting to Los Angeles County HIV Epidemiology Program can only occur upon the return of a Western Blot test. That test was taken immediately upon the first indication of a potential infection, but the results take one week to return,"

I believe the reported infection was on October 14 its now November 5 and these teams are still on freeze. All I know is the new release section down at The Butt-Plug is going to be pretty empty. Theirs gonna be a lot of angry porn addicted lunatics. The rental limit at my store is six at a time. Some of these guys come in and rent six, return them a few hours later and rent six more. These guys don't want to hear about movies productions on a freeze. They wanna beat their bags. These guys can probably cause more destruction then the H.I.V. virus in the pron industry. I'm gonna wear a helmet to work.

Hired & Fired

Wildo had to leave us today. He made it about a week. I have to hand it to him. He was probably the best gay, coke-head, prostitute that the store ever had but he really just didn't know the meaning of inconspicuous. I mean you really don't need to let the whole world know what you are doing... I really kinda dug the guy. He didn't even know me and he would call me sweety and honey and he would ask for hugs. I remember just a few nights ago Wildo asked me to help him pick out a gay porn. I of course told him I'm not very good at that sort of thing and I thought he was big enough to pick out his own movie. I mean we had very deep conversations, like the time he asked me if I thought he was a slut... He really had to ruin it all by telling everyone how much drugs he does and what not. I wonder if Wildo will be able to turn any tricks from the unemployment line. I really do wish the best for ole Wildo.
Well I guess I'm just going to have to cope with the loss of our new fruity man-hooker and wait and see what kinda trash we get next.

Hes A Workin Gal

Today is Will's first day down at the Butt-Plug. He is going through basic training and his mind is being jam packed with all kinds of trashy information. This pill keeps a man hard, this one makes him bigger, this cream makes girls more sensitive, this one numbs men. I remember my first day it was crazy. The manager explained the difference between about 50 different lubes and I'm supposed to remember the difference as the fucking Nazi owner peeks at me from his office. Well anyway Will or Wildo as I like to call him is of course out to impress, especially since its his first day and all.
Wildo is also very flamboyantly gay and I'm starting to notice that hes trying to use this to his advantage for some brownie points on my gay manager. It seems to be having the opposite affect considering that my boss is making him do all the bitch-work. Clean the bathroom, scrape the gum off the floor with a razor blade, put the DVDs on the shelf, and sweep the floor etc. While Wildo is sweeping I notice him talking to an old man by the back door. I ignore it and get back to my conversation with my boss. Our conversation is interrupted by Wildo. He tells us that he just got that old mans number. First of all Wildo is what you describe as a Twink. He looks like a little gay boy and this fucking guy is like 60 years old. My boss warns him that while he is at work, he is not here for "Cruising". I instantly think of Al Pacino and his greatest movie of the same title. Wildo defends himself by saying that the old man forced him to take his number. The boss-man just tells him not to make a habit of this.
The manager takes off for the night and I guess Wildo figures that when the boss is away the porn clerks will play because he almost immediately says "wow I didn't think he would care if I got that old guys number. I need to make money". I just kinda looked at Wildo in confusion. I hope this doesn't interfere with my job here but I really do gotta make money he says. Now it all clicked, Wildo is a fucking gay prostitute and he found his first client on his first day at his new job. It wont be long before this place is a fucking flaming brothel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ok_SM-aSb4

Drag Queens & Cops

The Butt-Plug is like any other Sex-Shop in the sense that it has its share of freaks, perverts and weirdos. Many of which are regulars. One of the regulars is a middle aged balding man named Frank, or Michele depending on how he is dressed at that point of time... In other words Frank is a transvestite who likes to come in late at night, mess up the lingerie section, try on the women's clothes and never buy anything. Of course I let him do this because I find it all quite amusing.

So on one particular night down at the Plug I notice a bunch of police cars and flashing lights outside in the parking lot. I really don't think to much of this and get back to organizing the porn or whatever else I might have been doing at the time. At this point Frank walks by me and grabs an article of clothing off of a rack and brings it to the dressing room where he will transform into Michele. Some time goes by and a police officer walks in and approaches me at the register. Did a man in blue jeans and a brown sweater come in here, he asks. (It just so happens that this is what Frank was wearing tonight) Yes, I reply. Where did he go? The police officer explains that Taco Bell next door was held up and this was the description of the man who did it. I tell the officer that there is no way it could be the man he is looking for but that there is a regular in the dressing room who fits the description.

The cop walks over to the dressing room and demands that Frank comes out immediately. The door swings open and there stands Frank in a fucking pink spandex Playboy-Bunny outfit with his ball-bag exposed to the world and the fucking bunny ears hanging from around his neck and pointing down at the ground. The cop looked like he was either gonna puke on Franks work boots or shoot him in the face. I'm not sure exactly which thought was going through the officers head at this point in time but I found it all to be pretty fucking funny and couldn't wait to find out. Frank answered a bunch of stupid fucking questions and unfortunately he gave his real name, I was kinda hoping for Michele but he took his interrogation like a man and of course he was innocent but it was a night down at the Butt-Plug that Frank, myself, nor the police will forget.

Its A Filthy Job

I have always been a hard worker since I was a Yangon. I had my first job landscaping at Thirteen and I wasn't very much into school. Well maybe with the exception of health class but yeah I didn't really dig school all that much. Being that I got kicked out nice and proper and moved out of mom and dad's in my teenage years, I had to work. I worked in a deli for a bit slicing filthy meats but I left that bullshit for a construction job. I did construction for about six years and just fucking hated it. In fact I pretty much hated the whole world. Why did I have to break my back while other cats would just work at fucking Blockbuster or something and rewind shitty video tapes?

Well luckily for me this beautiful country of ours hit a recession and society was on the verge of economic collapse. Nobody was building houses anymore and I was only working a few days a week. Fuck there's no way I can afford my movie addiction with that kinda pay... So I left the wonderful world of construction and found myself a nice trashy job at the local Sex-Shop. This is the kinda place for me I thought. I can watch movies all day. Have my share of free 70's porn and laugh at perverts all day. Well I coined my place of employment "The Butt Plug". I felt that the name was suitable and that's what my friends and I refer to the classy shop as to this day. The real name of my shop will not be mentioned since I am not an asshole and am not willing to be fired over some stupid fucking Blog that I use to kill my bore-dumb. Sorry but only the names have been changed to protect the filthy, I mean innocent.
Welcome to My World The Sewer, I mean Butt-Plug!!!