The Texas Asshole Massacre (2011)

I really don't know why I do it to myself. Maybe its because the O on the dvd cover just screamed out rent me. Maybe its because I enjoy watching awful porno movies. Okay I admit it, its because The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the greatest horror film ever made and due to my life long devotion and obsession with the film I felt compelled to check out the porno, parody of it. I also figured it couldn't be worse then the Hollywood remakes of the classic film. Well I was wrong. The Texas Asshole Massacre has got to be just about the worst XXX Parody around, in the ranks with Nightmare On Dyke Street.

I wish there could be a real massacre taken out on the assholes that made this piece of shit! Try to follow me here. The movie starts off with some modern porn stars in a car explaining how they are going to become legit filmmakers and "Go from the blue-screen all the way to the silver screen". Then they get dropped off at a house where they are both fucked in the ass and deep-throated. Then a Vietnam war veteran makes a bunch of silly faces and rapes a white girl from England because she is a "Gook". He tries to rub her white color off her ass with some spit claiming that she painted herself and he knows she is a "Gook". Aside from the sheer racism of this scene he also searches her pussy for "Weapons and razorblades". He also sticks his cock in a bowl of Chili and makes the girl deep-throat it. Then we have another scene in which a female cook eats semen from a bowl of Chili. Oh and she also does some deep-throating and has asshole sex. In the last minutes of the movie a girl is running through the woods naked and doing her best Marilyn Burns impression as a big titted bitch in a apron chases her around, swinging a big dildo around. What the fuck!

I feel like whoever made this piece of shit might have seen one or two scenes from the original movie and felt it was okay to make a parody. This thing might as well have been called deep-throating-chili-asshole-fuckers because it is certainly not a spoof on Texas Chainsaw. For a better pornographic take on Texas Chainsaw check out The Texas Vibrator Massacre. That one wont let you down. Fuck this movie right in its chili-holes.

Anna Obsessed (1977)

This is one of my all time favorite horror porno's from the 70's. It plays like a slasher film with many of the cliche slash-em prototypes and the disturbing uneasy feel of a rape/revenge flick.

This one also goes under the shorter title of Obsessed and is released in cut and uncut versions. I unfortunately own the trimmed down version which is surprisingly graphic and violent at times so I can only wonder what contents are in the full uncut version.

Anna Obsessed stars Annette Haven (Reflections, Dracula Sucks, Soft Places) as a lesbian who ingages in some cunnilingus with Constance Money. Meanwhile there is a rapist/murderer stalking the suburban homes of Long Island and Mrs. Money is next on the list for a night of terror. Anna Obsessed offers up a bunch of jump-scares in true slasher fashion, weird dreamy flashbacks and a bit of the ultra violence. One scene that stands out in particular is quite a disturbing one. Constance Money is abducted and raped by the L.I. killer. She is chocked and probed with a pistol.

The average horror hound will probably see the surprise ending coming from a mile away but it still makes for a good watch. This tasteless classic is the perfect flick to watch with a group of sleazy, drunken friends. Watch for Jamie Gillis in a horny secretary's fantasies.

A Nightmare On Dyke Street (1992)

Possibly the worst porno parody I have ever seen and that's a pretty hard goal to achieve. This thing makes absolutely no sense at all. Dyke Street is obviously supposed to be a spoof on The Nightmare On Elm Street movies and yes we do have a Freddy Kruger character who shows up in the dreams of our female lead Samantha. We know when we are in dream land not only because Freddy appears but because the set is suddenly covered in Christmas tree tinsel. Why the film makers thought tinsel was a good effect is beyond me but the cast and sets are covered in it. The tinsel is so obviously annoying to the actors as the pull the shiny, festive, slivers away from their genitals. This stuff is getting in their vagina's for Christ sake. Next the film will cut away and the tinsel which was just removed will be back again as if the director was screaming "more tinsel! Don't touch the tinsel!".

Aside from the obnoxious Christmas decorations, Freddy doesn't really do much and for some reason he wears a long black wig. I don't know if this is supposed to mean that Freddy is a lesbian because there is no fucking dialogue in the movie other then the occasional moan and groan. Maybe he is supposed to be a woman, after all the movie is called A Nightmare On "Dyke" Street. Lesbian or not Freddy sports anal beads instead of knives for fingers but never puts them to use. Instead he/she just rubs them on women's ass and clits. Who the fuck thought this thing up? Three directors are credited for this thing which is even more embarrassing. One of them is to blame for Halloweenie which I am yet to see but Dyke Street is really pulling me in the opposite direction.

As if this isn't all weird enough we also have a bit of racism thrown into a scene where a bunch of white students make fun of their black teacher and shout out "Hammer time" constantly. They also draw a picture of a man with a huge Afro on the blackboard with an arrow going to his penis. Captioned underneath it says "Hammer time". Next the black teacher strips down to nothing but his belt and screws one of his students as Freddy watches. We also have a bunch of audio taken from Full Metal Jacket which is mixed into the shitty techno soundtrack.

It is a hell of a task to make it through A Nightmare On Dyke Street in one sitting and I strongly recommend staying far away from this grabastic piece of amphibian shit.

A Clockwork Orgy (1995)

The porno parody thing has gotten out of hand with dozens of titles each month. It is getting so bad that different production teams are releasing their own versions of the same classic movie, sometimes only weeks apart (Halloween : XXX Porn Parody, Official Halloween Parody). A Clockwork Orgy on the other hand dates back to 1995 and when parodies were few and far between.

This thing is slightly upscale compared to most of the porno-spoofs that come out today. The acting is better then normal or at least from some of the actors and its obvious that the crew really did their homework on Stanley Kubrick's classic A Clockwork Orange. The wardrobe looks great and the slight play on words from the unique style of writing is brilliant. "I have a rather intolerable pain in the gashy-washy Mrs."

A Clockwork Orange being one of the biggest cult films ever made it is obvious that this pornographic version is bound to have a following of its own. The real downside to it all is the destruction of the musical soundtrack. Where in the original film the music adds so much to the visuals on the screen, the score in the pornographic version almost hurts the film. The electronic 90's music is annoying and amateurish and just doesn't suit the movie at all. Aside from the shitty score, the movie was shot on 35mm and doesn't look half bad. Of course it doesn't hold that gritty feel of the 70's and 80's porn but still looks better then the digital garbage they release today. Another problem with the film is yet again another reflection of the times. The girls all look so plastic. That of course being the look of the 90's but was always quite unattractive to me. Blond babes filled with silicone. They look great dressed up in their droogy gear but once they shed the clothes it really becomes a turn off.

A Clockwork Orgy offers up home invasion rape, bum-sex, anal sex, oral sex (complete with facials), funny dialogue,Watch for my favorite scene when one of the Droogs sits on a mans face. When they tell him to "Eat that pussy!" he replies (through a muffled voice) "I am". We also get some boot licking for all you weirdo shoe fetishists out there and some lesbian-fu as well.

Worth owning as a novelty if nothing else.

All The Way In (1984)

This is the very first porno film I ever saw in full and for that reason alone it will always hold a spot in my heart. I have no idea how many times I have seen it and am always ready for another screening and the best part is that it isn't even that good of a film. Directed by Bob Chinn who would later be remembered for his Johnny Wadd series, this cheesy 80's flick stars Candy Samples who I remember best from Russ Meyer's Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra Vixens. Candy plays Mrs. Fantasy whom runs a column in a dirty magazine called Ultra Flesh, not to be mistaken for the porno-super-hero flick of the same title staring Seka. Anyway Candy isn't feeling up to her normal nympho self ever since she fell in love with a man named Pat who left her high and dry. Ronnie the rocket Jeremy, Mai Lin, and Eric Edwards do their best along with many others to get the old Mrs. Fantasy back but only Pat has that magic touch.

Jeremy has the best scene in the movie where he manipulates young models into doing the dirty. Mai Lin has a couple of hot scenes herself and Candy's scenes... Well those are always a rough sit but that just makes the film all the more entertaining. As a added bonus Mr. Russ Meyer shows up for a cameo where he bumps into Candy Samples on a airplane. He looks down at her massive melons and says "Where have I seen those before?". The film also offers a tid bit of S&M in a scene that shows Samples without her mullet.

All The Way In is supposed to be a comedic drama with a sensitive love story but it doesn't come off that way. It comes off as pure comedy and the bad story makes the film even more funny. You're guaranteed to laugh!

This Lady Is A Tramp (1980)

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Bon Appétit (1980)

Not a bad porno flick but has little to none replay value. The acting isn't horrible and we get plenty of locations from around the globe. The only problem is that its a love story. Its all done to nicely and of course whenever us sickos are subjected to movies that are to nice, we feel that there was nothing very memorable about the film.

A working class girl named Faith (Played by Kelly Nichols, Ultra Flesh, Toolbox Murders) leaves her deadbeat boyfriend for the opportunity to make a quarter of a million dollars. Her task is to fuck the ten most desirable men who were voted in by some high society yuppie bitches. Faith has 50 days to complete her filthy mission. The men consists of famous painters, a famous anchor man for channel 6 news, a politician, a famous fashion designer. etc. The only problem is that she is falling in love with her partner/photographer.

If I was to make a list of the ten most desirable men it would have been a much more interesting movie. We would have the one and only cabbage-patch-kids-faced, Arch Hall Jr. (The Sadist), Vigilante mustache bad-ass Charles Bronson (Death Wish), The Italian stallion Franco Nero (Django), Blaxploitation bad-ass ladies-man Fred Williamson (Black Caesar), Porno super star Harry Reams (Deep Throat), Rock & roll legend G.G. Allin (Hated : G.G. Allin And The Murder Junkies), King of orgies and and serial killings Charles Manson, Mutant cock Johnny the wad Holmes (Teenage Madam), The Marlboro Man himself William Smith (Run Angel Run) and of course David Hess from Last House On The Left. Now that would make for a memorable movie.

Ron Jeremy shows up for a cameo in Bon Appétit as a television announcer but doesn't put his rocket to use. Randy West (Playing With Fire) plays Faith's lover and over acts his jealousy a bit. He also makes silly faces as he strips and tries to taunt the audience with his body but for me the best and most memorable scene takes place in a dirty porn theater in Washington where Faith gives a blowjob to a perverted politician while obscenities are being shouted from the speakers of the theater. Whatever movie they were watching, I'm sure it was better then Bon Appétit.

I put this one into the category of couples/porn and that means skip it.

The Legend Of Lady Blue (1978)

The alternate title to this is Confessions Of Lady Blue but I have a confession to make. I am embraced of myself for even renting this lovey-dovy piece of shit. Naturally this nostalgic piece of smut appealed to me due to the fact that it was from the 70's and also has the word BLUE in it. Little did I know that this thing was made for a female audience. Maybe if they marketed it that way, I would have kept my pride and have stayed far away.

The Legend Of Lady Blue tells the sappy tale of two virgin lovers who go all the way before they split paths. Boy goes to the Marines and girl goes to Hollywood to be a star. Well things don't go as planned because boy becomes a love-sick junkie who shoots heroin and slaps Vietnamese prostitutes around and girl becomes a total whore bag who preforms cunnilingus on her superiors to get where she has to go.

Sure there are a couple of funny moments, one of which shows a homoerotic African American circle jerk (complete with silly orgasm faces) but the rest of the movie is just to god damn sensitive. Not my cup of tea. Last time I checked I had a penis which means this movie doesn't appeal to me in the least.

Halloween : XXX Porn Parody (2011)

As if the Hollywood studios weren't bad enough with all of the classic horror movie remakes... The pron industry is no better. Smash Pictures drops to a new low by shitting out their own Halloween porn parody only months after Zero Tolerance released theirs.

I had a really hard time deciding which one of these horror-porn parodies was worse. Zero Tolerance's Official Halloween Parody was horrible but offered up some real good laughs by Dr. Loomis character played by James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) but Smash Pictures released a movie that is much more true to the classic 1978 John Carpenter's Halloween. All of the main focal points of the original movie are thrown into this one and are of course surrounded with hardcore sex scenes.

The girls are also better looking in this version but the acting is as bad as can be. The character of Dr. Loomis is fucking horrible and had me praying for the laughs from James Bartholet. Another thing that caught my eye was how bruised up all the girls were in the Smash Pictures version.

Laurie is the shy goodie-girl that we know and love in the original and all of her friends think she is a virgin but in reality she is quite the freak. She sits home and masturbated to masked madmen in shitty horror movies. Her fetish fails to be true when Michael Myers is chasing her around the house with a kitchen knife. Myers does get some pussy in this one and he does it in true Jewish fashion, Through a sheet of course. "Can I get your ghost Bob".

This horror-porno-parody offers up memorable quotes from the original, really obnoxious screaming, a throat slashing, stabbings, a sewing needle to the neck, coat hanger to the eye, shootings, strangulation, shitty camera work and black & blue'd porno-sluts. If I had to chose I would say this is the better of the two. Its still ridiculous, offensive and lacks in creativity but what do you expect from a mindless, money-hungry industry?

I would assume that Smash Pictures has broken down the boundaries of pride yet again that all forms of self respect has gone out the window and we can expect more then one remake of the same movie every year.

Only worth a watch if you can't find anything better to do with your time. Unless of course you have some kind of weird fetish for light skin girls with dark bruises.

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams (1981)

Not really what I look for in a movie as far as the plot goes but Beyond Your Wildest Dreams is still another example of a well made Gerard (Deep Throat, Devil In Miss Jones) Damiano flick. Damiano has proved with films like Odyssey that he is more then just a smut director with slick camera movement, eye-candy sets and surreal tones and I feel that he was trying for the same thing with this one but was just lacking in motivation.

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams very poorly tells the story of a group of people who are trapped inside the dreams of Sharon Morgan, played by Juliet Anderson known best for the Aunt Peg series. Throughout the film we don't know if we are in a fantasy or real life so I suppose the film worked on that level but I just found the story to be rather generic and boring. What we do know is that Damiano thinks up some twisted shit. Although the film may not be as perverse as some of the rougher rape/revenge flicks in the adult cinema world, we still get plenty of sleazy kink to get us through a weak story.

First off there is a more then normal fascination with semen in this one. In one scene we watch a guy bust a nut on a mirror and Aunt Peg licks off every drop. In another, the burning man-seed is served on a plate and a busty young actress laps it up. Then of course we get the necessary facial money-shots and Mai Lin (Prisoner Of Paradise, All The Way In) gets the messiest of them all. We also have some snow-balling on display. Then we have a ultra-trashy scene where Aunt Peg inserts a bar of soap where it doesn't belong and spits it out over and over. Damiano's signature shaved vagina scene comes before to long. "Looks like a little girls cunt. Eat my little girl cunt". I'd say there is definitely some kind of fixation with young girls on Damiano's mind because we also get a actress with braces on her teeth and that's just a little to disturbing to think about. Wildest Dreams also offers up some anal action and a really weird scene where a transvestite licks Aunt Peg's ass. Come to think of it Odyssey also had some transvestite-fu.

To top it all off the movie ends on a bit of a down note where one of our characters tries to defy Sharon Morgon by waking her up and ruining her dream. Well, in return he starts decaying and it doesn't quite make sense. Does this make Beyond Your Wildest Dreams a zombie-porn in the ranks of Porno Holocaust and Porn Of The Dead? Nah, I suppose not. Only worth a look for die-hard Damiano fans and lovers of hot man-juice. Personally, I would only watch it again for Mai Lin's scene. She looks pretty damn good in this one.

Official Halloween Parody

Zero Tolerance releases yet another crappy horror-porn parody. Unlike the terrible Official Friday The 13th Parody this one offers up a few laughs, mainly from actor James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) who plays Dr. Loomis this time.

This parody would be completely unwatchable if it wasn't for Bartholet. His portrayal of Loomis is childish but extremely funny. Bartholet seems to be the only one who did his homework here and he doesn't do a horrible job impersonating Donald Pleasance. If only the rest of the cast and crew showed the slightest bit of interest we might have had a decent movie here.

This XXX parody was misleading with an opening that was pretty true to the 1978 original. With the steady-cam lurking around outside the windows while a young, unsupervised couple make-out on the couch. This is a porno so of course it goes into a hardcore sex scene and then the Michael Myers character picks up the clown mask and a kitchen knife and slashes his sister up. From here on the movie really goes downhill with inadequate direction and enough continuity to choke a Troma Studios member. They had a real hard time with the day for night and night for day on this one. After a while it almost seems to be done purposely.

The Official Halloween Parody offers up some loony-bin mayhem in a scene where a female patient flashes her vagina and pretends to be masturbating a penis while screaming "Where's my penis?". We get lots of genital grabbing from Dr. Loomis and repetitive yet comedic talk of "The Evil" that is Michael Myers, Anal sex, a tid bit of blood, a nympho nurse, some gun violence, and an obnoxious amount of dirty talk.
Not quite as bad as the average Zero Tolerance horror-porn but not very good either. Only worth watching for a few cheap laughs.

Silk Satin And Sex (1983)

The only thing this piece of trash has going for it is Vanessa Del Rio and she doesn't do anything to crazy except maybe some repetitive dirty talk. "Get my pussy open". A group of girls working for a lingerie company share their stories of how they met their husbands and I have to admit none of them are interesting. This one is entirely to sensitive for its own good. I was surprised when I found out that it was directed by a man because it is just trying so hard to be romantic. Well romance and classic porn don't mix as far as I'm concerned. Pornographic comedies are fine, drama's are okay, horror-porn is cool and the nasty rape ones are the best but romance... I don't think so.
Mai Lin (Prisoner Of Paradise, All The Way In) who I am also a fan of also shares her story of how she met the love of her life with another uninteresting flashback scene. I suppose the best scene in the film is the last one where we get an orgy with Del Rio and a few drunks. For a much better and much more trashy time check out Bizarre Styles which also stars Vanessa and has a very similar plot, except it holds back on all the lovey-dovey crap. Instead it offers up golden showers and fisting... Now that's exciting and filthy at the same time.

Oddysey (1977)

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Rape Victims (1975)

This 70's XXX piece of smut follows a bunch of Rape Victims into a doctors office and we hear their stories and memories one by one. Well luckily for us we don't really have to hear to much. We actually see it in flashbacks. The Alpha Blue print that I picked up was beat to hell and obviously taken from a VHS. with tracking problems and washed out colors. The whole thing was rather blurry and just filled with grit and grain. The picture above was taken from the title sequence on the print that I watched and it pretty much looked identical on my t.v. Something Weird Video also released this thing and I doubt their print looks much better. 

Aside from the bad quality we get one gross rape scene after another. One in particular has Vanessa Del Rio and some other dingbat raping a man at knife point. They tie him to a table and ride him in every way possible. Vanessa delivers the good ole get it up or lose it lines with a sharp blade under the genitals of our victim. We also have a pretty nasty scene where two men get their rape on in a filthy building. They smear some kind of car lubricant all over the victim and I couldn't help but think to myself, wow this girl probably has cancer now or what would happen to her if she went anywhere near an open flame.

The rest of the movie is pretty lame generic mean spirited 70's stuff with a few rough-er-up scenes and of course tons of pubic hair. Check it out for Vanessa's scene. The easily offended should probably stay far away but then again the easily offended wouldn't be reading my blog.

Candy Stripers 2 (1985)

This follow up to Bob Chins classic 1978 film comes around almost ten years later with a cast that consists of the one and only Ron Jeremy and the hideous Karen Summer who I remember best as the younger sister in Kirdy Stevens, Playing With Fire. I always call Karen Summer the down syndrome porn star and her character in this one is as dumb as can be. Maybe she really is retarded...?
Anyway Candy Stripers part 2 is okay for what it is. Its pretty polished for a XXX movie from this era. Its got a few funny characters and a few funny lines. "I feel like horny shit! How is it possible to feel horny and like shit at the same time?". We get threesomes, foursomes and bigger orgies. Ronny uses his rocket like a pro in this one but doesn't produce any good money shots. Actually the film doesn't really offer any good nut-busting, which I found really weird. We have a blowjob on a ski lift, rats fucking and then we have a typical scene where a man in a full body cast gets his fuck on. There is also a Three Stooges homage that runs throughout with three doctors named Dr. Howard, Dr. Howard and Dr. Fine which I found interesting cause some of my favorite Three Stooges shorts are the doctor ones.
The director of this thing (Larry Revene) did the cinematography on a personal favorite of mine called Doom Asylum. He also directed Candy Stripers 3 which I have not seen and he went on to do Deep Throat 2 which is claimed to be unwatchable by some.

M.A.S.H.D. (1976)

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My Erotic Fantasies (1976)

If I could rename this movie I would call it Highschool Blue Balls because it follows a high school boy named Archie who just can't get laid to save his life. Archie's girl leaves him after she climaxes from a nice finger banging in the car. She feels guilty and leaves poor Archie hanging. Archie goes home to relieve himself only to find his older sister has moved back home and is staying in his room. Throughout Archie's day he is teased by sexy cheerleaders and beat up by an athletic woman for "drooling". He is turned down from just about every girl in school and his sister catches him peeping through the window of the bathroom. Archie eventually comes up with the bright idea to sneak into the girls locker room and pursue his teenage career as a peeping tom. Its there in the locker room that he sees Ronnie the big titted Burnett girl of his dreams. Ronnie lets Archie tag along for some after school recreation where she is filming a porno. This is by far the best and most bizarre scene in the movie because Archie and the other male porn stars blow it. One cums to soon and one can't cum at all and Archie is just pathetic. Suddenly the movie turns from color to black and white in one of the weirdest flashbacks I have ever seen. Annie Sprinkle appears in a threesome with two Russian Communist while a very strange commie propaganda speech is going on. The hammer sand sickle is plastered across the wall and the Russian music blares as Annie sucks and fucks these two cats. Although I'm sure the Red lecture shouldn't be thought into to deeply it really doesn't fit into this silly Pornographic comedy. Other then the out of place communist orgy My Erotic Fantasies is pretty boring. I had more fun watching the rips, tears, lines and blotches on the extremely beat up print then I did the film.

For those concerned Archie eventually is cured of his blue balls when he goes to 42nd street on new years eve. He meets a angry slut who hates everything and the credits roll. We never even get to see Archie do the dirty. This one is really only worth watching for the hot brunette Ronnie and the crazy out of place commie-fuck-fest or for Annie Sprinkles completest. The rest of the world should probably avoid it.

Interlude (1983)

Interlude appears on the Alpha Blue Archives triple feature Annie Sprinkle set and I have to admit the set would probably be worth more without it. Back in the 70's this thing probably would have been a 8 min stag or a loop but here in wonderful 1983 what we get is a 54 min. bondage fuck tape.

Annie plays a prude writer who is doing a article on bondage and S&M. She doesn't know much about the subject so naturally she feels the need to partake in the latex leather wear and spankings. First she is treated slightly rough by some dude with really puffy hair. Next she smacks a guys penis around and although the guy is hanging upside down from some weird device he seems to be enjoying the beatings and so does Annie. We get some boot licking, some whipping, some nipple torture, cock-socks and weird tables that spin around.

Even if you are into this sort of thing, Interlude sucks! Its shot on video and the picture quality is blurry as hell. The audio is really lousy and there is barely a story to be found. Skip this shit. I know I would have to be bound to sit through it again.

Sylvia (1977)

Sylvia also known as A Saint, A Woman, A Devil is another strange one from the 70's. Sylvia is played by Joanna Bell and she has never done anything before or since. She portrays Sylvia as a odd-ball, anti-social, religious fanatic with multiple nymphomaniac personalities. At first glance Joanna Bells acting seems to be incredibly awkward with weird facial expressions that don't seem to match the scene or surrounding actions or moods.

For example if Sylvia is checking out a mans package she tightens her lips and her eyes twitch with a crooked grin. I'm not sure if the facial expressions were part of Peter Savage's direction but it certainly makes Sylvia even weirder.

Then we have some typically 70's tasteless material such as a incestuous scene between mother and daughter involving some dildo's. We also get a big orgy with interracial action, lesbian action and some disturbing nipple tassel shaking.

Then there is a nasty rape scene which shows the great Turk Turpin who I remember best for his role in Defiance Of Good as the big black male nurse who wanted to be the first to rape Jean Jennings. Well this time around he does plenty of rapping, slapping, beating and whipping on a virginal type character who doesn't do any hardcore in this one. Even the rape scene surprisingly enough didn't show any penetration. I suppose they knew the scene was strong enough to sand on its own without the XXX stuff.

Next Sylvia takes another surprising turn when Sonny Landham from Predator shows up as a helpless junkie, shaking and twitching and rolling about in violent spasms as he screams out for a fix. We do get to see Sonny put his junkie cock to use in one of the better sex scenes in the film but his best moment involves a violent robbery scene in a doctors office. There is guns, switchblades, broken bottles and blood and Sonny Landham's acting proves he belonged doing bigger things then hardcore porno flicks.

Sylvia is a little bit all over the place with a very shaky plot and at one point it almost takes a Exorcist ripoff turn and my personal favorite scene shows Sylvia attack a priest with a giant crucifix. She goes on long anti religious rantings and forces the priest or as she calls him "Slave boy" to take off his clothes and she proceeds to rape the man of god all the while ranting about how she is the devil and she commands his will.

The version of the film I saw was extremely cut. Apparently the original uncut version goes at 90 minutes and the VCX print that I picked up is cut down to 73. Its almost hard to believe considering the version I saw had some rough material in it. Makes me wonder what I'm missing. I suppose the problems with the plot is probably due to the rapist in the cutting room, chopping the hell out of this movie. Still Sylvia is a good blasphemous time with hardcore sex, rape, incest and some very strange actors.

Teenage Cruisers (1977)

What we have here is 70's porno filled with rockabilly music and ridiculous trashy happenings. Sounds like the perfect movie for a guy like me... Well it was an experience, I'll give it that.

Teenage Cruisers also known as Young, Hot 'N Nasty Teenage Cruisers a.k.a. Cruisin For Sex and just plain Cruisin (Not to be mistaken for the Al Pacino homosexual slasher) is a big mess of silly scenes thrown together and director/Rockabilly singer Johnny Legend is probably mostly to blame. Not only is he into sleazy rock & roll and sleazy women but the man is a sleaze film-fanatic and you can really see all of his influence on the film. Cheap horror movie posters are plastered all over the walls, from movies like Creature From The Black Lagoon to Mario Bava's Black Sabbath. He also fills the movie to the brim with Rockabilly greats like Charlie Feathers and Billy Zoom. There is also an awesome song performed by Alvis Wayne called I Wanna Eat Your Pudding. I will definitely be searching for more Alvis after that song. Mr. Legend plays in the movie as well as a radio show host and he also plays a gig and performs a few songs including Hot Rocks.

The main problem with this one is how mashed up it all is. We have Mr. Legend as the dope-smoking, hip, radio show host, we have a nympho maniac on the run named Babbs, we have a Vietnam veteran who blows a never ending load, we have 70's sex loops staring John C. Holmes, we have long haired hippies, greasers, a hit and run murder and a donkey-show. Yet somehow we are supposed to believe this is the 50's. It makes no sense. All of the cars are 70's vehicles and even the greasers have long hippie hair. This movie should be seen only by those who love weird novelty movies because it is as bizarre as they come, its just to bad the movie didn't make a little more sense.

Night Of The Giving Head (2008)

Night Of The Giving Head is a all around retarded spoof on the the classic 1968 George A. Romero flesh eating zombie flick. This one opens up with a guy and girl in in a cemetery having a argument. No their names are not Barbara and Johnny. However the argument comes to a end when a topless, staggering ghoul approaches them. The nudie ghoul groans "More cock! More cum!" over and over again and its not long before she is sucking the pants off of the (should be) Johnny character.

Apparently men's seamen is tainted and the "Sperm-a-raise" with in the man goop is turning nubile women into cock & cum hungry nympho sluts. Once a man ejaculates, he dies but the zombie sluts stagger on, looking for more fresh meat.

Night Of The Giving Head is so stupid that its even hard for a brain-dead horror/trash junkie like myself to like it. Sure it offers up a couple of sexy sluts and a nice sex scene here and there (my favorite consists of a lesbian, zombie, strap-on scene) but it really is more of a novelty title. After all the only reason I picked it up was do to the title. I don't care about the toolbox film makers involved, that's for sure.

If this one doesn't sound dumb enough already just try to make it to the films final when the bimbo hero's learn that whipped cream is the solution to the cock and cum sucking zombie epidemic. We have the privilege of watch countless zombie bitches suck down whipped cream. Dumb! Night Of The Giving Head also offers up some decaying flesh, a cheesy goth girl, a giant zombie orgy, nut busting action and some fat zombie bitches who clearly do not belong in this movie. Only watch this one if there is nothing left in the classic section at your local porn store.

Deep Throat (1972)

Deep Throat, the king of porn never gets old. Especially when you throw some friends and beer into the mix. Linda Lovelace plays... well Linda. A girl with no clitoris. Well at least not where it belongs. Nope, Linda's clit is in the back of her throat and for this reason she has never had an orgasm. This is until she goes to Dr. Young played by the pornograpghic comedian Harry Reems. Harry teaches Linda the art of Deep Throat and with the help of the brilliant theme song, Linda is a pro. before long.

Once Linda learns the secrets of Deep Throat and reaches her long awaited climax, she goes to work for Dr. Young as a scantily clad nurse who is of course more of a call girl. She See's a man in some shiny panties who puts tubes in her vagina and drinks cahampagne from her gaping hole. She also sucks and fucks Dr. Young raw. "No! No! I can never marry you Linda. How much of this Deep Throat do you think I can take?" With Dr. Young's refusal of marriage Linda searches for the perfect husband and he has to be at least eight inches long. Well she eventually does find mister right. He just so happens to be a rapist named Wilber Wang and he has all the right parts to hit Linda's "Tinglier".

Deep Throat is a true classic from Gerard Damiano, the same genius who directed The Devil In Miss Jones. Devil and Throat may be the two movies that Damiano will forever be remembered by and its pretty amazing how completely far from each other (aside from the sex) the two films really are. Where The Devil In Miss Jones is a total downer of a movie, opening with a suicide and ending in a eternity of hell, Deep Throat is pure fun from beginning to end. From the off the wall soundtrack to the awful acting. Deep Throat never loses its touch.

Blue Heat (1978)

This one takes the classic movie within a movie and puts a whole new pornographic twist on it, when a porno production team is tracked down by the mafia. The first half of the film doesn't work very well at all because we see various stages of film making and the problems that amaturs come across in the process. We see editing, camera angles and lots of discussion on audio complications. Its a bit hard not to laugh when the actors are stumbling on lines and background noises interfere with dialogue. Especially in one scene in a editing room where the editor is upset and requests the film be dubbed over due to squeaky couch noises. If only a squeaky couch was the issue at hand on this one.

I found the second half of the film more interesting when I realized that Blue Heat was basically a message dealing with the struggle of film makers in the adult industry in the 70's. Its no secret that the mob had their hands in the pockets of the so called artists and by the end of Blue Heat, the film almost comes off as a cry for help. There is no escape from the dangerous mobsters in the film and I suppose this is how some of the casts and crews felt back in those days.

Aside from the protest type plot, Blue Heat tries to be funny and there is lots of homage payed to the industry its self. Dorothy Lemay shows up as Annette Slavin (kinda funny) and she gives a pretty decent blowjob scene. This is followed by a strange rape scene involving a massive dildo at the hands of a money hungry mobster. Blue Heat also steals the brilliant musical score from Hitchcocks Psycho during a rough-her-up scene and one can't help but laugh. We also have a very odd scene and I still can't really tell if it was supposed to be funny or not. It shows a couple in bed discussing their fear of the mafia. Then the girl pulls the sheets up and we see a stuffed animal head peaking out from the sheets. The couple start screaming as if it was a decapitated pet of theirs. I really hope this scene was supposed to be funny because its just reidiculous.

Not the best of 70's porns but definitely not the worst either. Worth a look for all the nostalgia nerds out there who are interested in the dark side of 70's adult cinema.

Bizarre Moods (1982)

 

The description on the back of the DVD that I picked up reads "Vanessa licks her boyfriends ass and fucks it with a dildo while she sucks his dick in one of her wettest and sleaziest films!". After reading this I figured that Bizarre Moods was going to be a short stag film without a plot. Well it turns out to be a 54 min. feature and although there is barely a story, the film does try to tell a tale about magic rings. Not cock-rings... regular rings. Gloria Leonard gets a piece of paper in the mail that says "soak me" and Gloria immediately places the paper under a running faucet and the paper magically turns into rings. Once she puts the rings on her fingers she becomes a total nympho-matic, slut in heat. First she sits on the toilet and fills her holes with a double sided dildo and talks dirty to herself. Then she convinces her roommates to try the rings out with this brilliant statement "this will get you really hot". Gloria and her roommates have a interracial threesome and as the audience we have no choice but to believe these rings really work because we just watched the two roommates have some crazy cream-pie anal sex and now they are ready to go again.

Vanessa Del Rio does show up in this movie and its not long before she is wearing the rings and acting out the filthy description on the back of the DVD but my personal favorite scene in the movie shows a married couple in a hotel room in New York. The man rips off his girls clothes and starts smacking her around. The dialogue is amazing in this scene. "I didn't come to New York to fuck around. I want some of this Deep Throat we been hearing about. Suck my dick bitch". Then he rams his member down her throat and starts whipping her with his belt. The actress jumps up, lets out a scream while holding her face and says "You hit me in the eye" Then the film cuts to a close up of her bloody eye. The fucking guy actually did get her in the eye and the film maker had enough class to exploit it and keep rolling. I wish I could give the director credit but nobody seems to know where this one came from. With no director credited I'd like to think of it as a movie from mars. To make this thing even one step weirder, Bizarre Moods sports Pink Floyd on the soundtracks and although I have never been much of a fan of these guys, I can appreciate their music a whole lot more when its playing over a nasty ass-fuck scene.

The truth is Bizarre Moods isn't a very good movie but the mix of Vanessa's ass-play, eyeball beatings and Pink Floyd keep it weird and entertaining enough for at least one viewing.