Teen Scenes (1984-198?)

I recently picked this Christy Canyon Tripple Feature # 5 and felt pretty gyped when I learned that Teen Scenes wasn't in fact a feature at all. You should not be able to market a dvd pack as a tripple bill when one of the supposed movies is not a feature but instead is a shitty compilation.

They took all of the Christy Canyon footage from banned Traci Lords flicks and spliced it all together and called it Teen Scenes. Now I suppose this is a treat for Canyon fans who are upright citizens and stay clear of the Lords kiddie stuff but for me it is out right blasphemy to package it as a movie.

This Canyon set sucks the big one. Kissin Cousins is the better of the two shot on video movies on here but that still isn't saying much. Little Girls Of The Streets is total shit and well you already know my feelings on Teen Scenes. Skip this dvd and pick up a nice Vanessa Del Rio tripple feature from Alpha Blue Archives instead.

Little Girls Of The Streets (1984)

Here is another cheapo shot on video Christy Canyon flick from 1984. From the same filmakers, if you can call them that, who did Kissin Cousins. In fact the same couch from Kissin Cousins shows up and so do a couple of other rooms and objects. Its pretty obvious that these two movies were shot back to back and while Cousins was pretty fucking awful, Little Girls Of The Street is even worse.

This one starts off like it is going to be a real movie with somewhat of a plot but it turns out to be just a bunch of fucking and sucking scenes. A pimp puts his bitches out on the streets because he owes some money to some powerful dudes... That's it... That's the story. Christy Canyon has a threesome with two dudes and Scott Irish shows up to do some dirty work as well. I fucking hate Scott Irish and this time he has trouble getting it up.

This movie sucks pretty fucking bad! Only worth a watch for Canyon's giant melon heavy breasts. Actually there is a nice looking brunette thrown into the mix as well but other then that skip this stupid little fuck-tape from the 80's.

The China Cat (1978)

Oh ya gotta love the Johnny Wadd series... The China Cat is Bob Chinn's follow up to The Jade Pussycat which came out one year earlier in 1977. The two movies are a lot alike and it seems by this time Bob Chinn was content with following a certain formula for the Wadd movies and just collecting the check later.

This still doesn't make the films any less entertaining. The China Cat is fun from beginning to end. However the main focus is sex this time around and we don't really get any fight scenes or Johnny Wadd-fu that we all love so much.

However we do get a typical 70's porn good natured rape scene that involves a botched up assassination from a foxy Asian babe. Obviously Mr. 13 and a half is going to pay his revenge through his deadliest of weapons. We also have some chloroform shenanigans in a scene where a girl soaks her vagina with the sleepy-chemicals. Naturally Wadd goes to put his tongue to work and before you know it we have a passed out private dick on our hands.

John Holmes is pretty awesome in this movie and he looks a bit more healthy then usual. Perhaps Chinn wouldn't allow him to get fucked up before shoots this time around. What ever the case, Holmes is on top of his game in this one and he plays Wadd like the suave, bad-ass mother fucker that he is supposed to be.

He bangs everyone from his secretary to his worst enemy. One of the girls in the film was brave enough for some Holmes anal-fu. Before sticking it up the old poop-chute Holmes delivers this line "You smile now... We will see later". Fucking awesome! The actress must have been mortified... Afraid or not she takes it like a champ. Holmes is typically limp in The China Cat but in more then one scene he appears to be more then halfway erect.

The story tells of four women known as "The Devils" who are on a mission to steal the priceless Jade Pussycat from Johnny Wadd. Of course they all fuck him and of course none of them get the pussycat.

The creepy Dale Meador (China De Sade, Behind The Green Door) shows up as a servant named Jaspers and Desiree Cousteau has a brief blowjob scene which comes complete with some of the most ridiculous voice dubbing and forms what is probably my favorite scene in the whole movie. Fortunately this scene is right in the beginning and sets the pace for the whole movie. Unfortunately the rest of the film is nowhere near as chaotic as the opening moments. None the less The China Cat is yet another great collaboration between Chinn and Holmes and makes for another awesome Wadd flick! Oh and watch for the scenes where John Holmes makes his sexy-face... His hair moves with his face.

Kissin Cousins (1984)

 

Christy Canyon did her first porno movie in 1984. The same year she did about a dozen more. Kissin Cousins is amongst the 1984 dirty dozen. It is sort of a remake of Kirdy Stevens Playing With Fire but no where near as good.

Christy Canyon and her two brothers move into their uncle and three cousins house. Yes there will definitely be some cousin kissin... Herschell Savage plays uncle and he sticks it to his own sister meanwhile the kids are fucking like rabbits. We get some general oral-fu and even some anal antics. Canyon doesn't do the dirty until the final scene because she plays the good girl virgin. Canyon is billed as Tara Wine in this one and she looks pretty good or at least her tits do. To bad the movie is a total piece of shit.

Shot on video with the most minimal of story lines, Kissin Cousins offers up Scott Irish who looks stupid in every movie but at least he can get it up. That is more then we can say for the other dip-shit with the mustache in this movie. Its pretty sad but its obvious that they had to edit around this limp-dick scum bag. They choose abnormal angles with the hope that we wouldn't realize he can't get it up. Characters appear and disappear from the scene and it makes for some of the worst continuity in pornographic history.

Watch for Canyons cannons and that's it!

A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011)

Another stupid horror-porn-parody from the 2000's. Apparently there was a porno film of the same title in 1990 but I have never seen that one and I couldn't even find much information about it. So does that mean that this is a remake of the 90's film? Who cares...

I guess I can be grateful that A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011) wasn't quite as hard to sit through as the 1992 Freddy parody A Nightmare On Dyke Street which could possibly be the worst porn parody I have ever seen.

Like Dyke Street the new  2011 parody offers a burnt Freddy with a glove that comes complete with sex toys for fingers. In Dyke Street Freddy's fingers were anal beads of some sort that he never really inserted anywhere. This time around he has vibrators for fingers and he doesn't really put them to use here either. On the plus side Freddy's makeup is much better in this movie and we even get a bit of a back story.

Freddy was some what of a sleaze merchant. Or a smut peddler if you will. He sold over priced sex toys out of the trunk of his car to local perverts. Eventually the towns people had enough of Freddy and burned him alive. Freddy swore vengeance on the people who killed him. Now Freddy haunts the local teenagers in there dreams and leaves them in a comatose state of constant orgasm.

Yes the story is fucking dumb but what would you expect? At least they offered something of a story unlike so many other porn parodies that come out these days. This one also offers up a few laughs, mainly from our protagonist. In one of the best scenes a girl calls our gloved villain Jason and he replies "It's fucking Freddy". and speaking of Jason I have to admit I also liked this one better then Official Friday The 13th Parody.

The girls are average and none of them offer anything very unique or memorable. One of them is a bit on the chunky side with giant swinging utters. Then we have a screechy voiced brunette who spits and slobbers all over the place. We get a skinny bitch in a prison dream with microscopic breasts and I suppose the hottest scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with a brunette who pleases herself with Freddy's glove.

This thing was directed by Lee Roy Myers, the same clown who did The Humansexipede (First Sequence : A Porn Parody). Apparently Myers is making a career of doing all porn parody's. Maybe one day he will get one right.

I really wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody unless they have some sort of burn victim fetish and if that is the case I think you would be better off watching The Burning. However the dvd does have a really funny extra called Freddy's Sex Tips. Check that out for some awesome sex advice from a old burnt up pervert.