Anaxtasia - La Principessa Stuprata (1999)

Part of an Italian series of pornographic movies knows as the Anaxtasia series from director Luca Damiano, not to be mistaken for the kind of golden age smut (Deep Throat) Gerard Damiano. Luca is mainly known for the hardcore films that he did with Joe D'Amoto and his Anaxtasia films but if the others in the series are anything like this one its just a damn shame.
The version that I picked up was completely uncut but it was also in Italian with no subtitles so it was pretty hard for me to understand what was going on. What I could make out was a French princess explaining her sexual experience during the French Revolution.
In the earlier part of the film two girls are raped and beaten by three men. This was the only entertaining scene in the whole movie. Mainly because the rape scene was slightly disturbing and of course the rape victims enjoy the gang rape after being tossed around a bit. We also get a very strange choice for a soundtrack considering this is a porn, lots of slow motion and some artsy camera work.
Unfortunately the one rape scene isn't enough to make this movie even slightly enjoyable. Stay away from this one. I'm gonna stick with Gerard Damiano's stuff for now on.

Naked Girls & Whips

It was a normal night like any other. We sat around playing Old Maid with a deck of nudie-man cards. I was losing as usual and I was beginning to get tired of being the Old Maid. Suddenly our game was disrupted by a drunken storm of rowdy youngsters who enter the store yelling and screaming. The better looking of the bunch resembled Sasha Grey and she approached us and said in a very loud voice, "Do you mind if we try on clothes.". Of course not I replied and I watched as the drunks picked out some very revealing lingerie.
Sasha heads over to the dressing room and tries on her first outfit as her friends take turns whipping and beating each others ass in with whips and paddles. The dressing room door swings open and there Sasha stands there in a thong, fishnets and a show-stopper see-thru bra as she put on some spiked heels. A old man was pretending to look at lube's as he gazed with delight into the dressing room at the naked girl. I couldn't figure out whether or not I should watch the sexy babe or the old man who was lurking around.
Sasha strolls out of the dressing room and bends over so her friends can whip her bare ass. I tell her that these cats have no style and can't compete with a gentlemen like myself, who has many skills in the way of a bullwhip. She then bends over and tells me to give her the best crack Ive got. Well working in a sex shop for the past two years I have developed quite a nasty wrist snap and I was about to show this naked dingbat what I was made of. I arched my back and she bent over. I cracked the whip perfectly on her pasty ass leaving a nice gash on her pretty butt. She let out a gasp and I soon realized how drunk she was when she asked for another and then another. When I was done, I stood there wondering if she would look at her mangled ass and press charges against me or something because I really left some nasty marks.
Once she had her fill of lashings she tried on a few more outfits, each one more revealing then the last. Her girlfriends were trying on some outfits as well but the show was Sasha's and nobody was gonna take away her day in the scum.

One of her friends hands her the Great American Challenge and for those of you who are not familiar with the Challenge it is a giant purple dildo that is about four feet long and way thicker then the average mans arm. Sasha rushes over to the old man who is still lurking around the lube counter. She puts the Great American Challenge between her legs as if she had a huge purple cock and began thrusting towards the old man. His face lit up and I began to worry there might be some body fluids thrown around, that I wouldn't enjoy cleaning up. She then gets on her knees and pretends to be sucking this giant purple member. She asks the old man what he thinks and in a thick Italian accent he states "Too big". Sasha begins to laugh and the old man walks off shaking his head.
Next the Ronaconda walks in and he instantly sees Sasha standing there in a leather studded bra and panties. He pulls on his Conda and heads over to get a closer look. Sasha leans all over him and even gives him a bit of a bump and grind. Suddenly I realize that it closing time and I had the task of removing drunks, Ronaconda's and old farts from the store.
These are the moments that make the Butt-Plug supreme and it sure beats the hell out of Old Maid. Ya'll come back now, ya hear?

Bonny & Clide (2010)

Nicholas Steele is a well praised director in the modern porn industry. Mainly for the quality of his work and his movies are considered to be big budget in the adult film world. His latest film BATFXXX : Dark Night Parody (Which I haven't gotten around to yet) is supposed to be filled with explosions and computer graphics that are passable for today's mindless generation. I see the talent that Steele possesses. His movies look good, the acting is passable for these types of movies and he chooses to make movies with some sort of a story. Still I can't say that I am a fan of his work. I find Nicholas Steele to be a trendy asshole with no balls, who makes movies for other trendy assholes. If you are such a talented director, do something different. Why jump on every trendy bandwagon that comes along? The answer is because whether or not the man is talented, he is still just a business man. He will never be an artist because he chooses money over art.
Bonnie & Clyde (1967) is a childhood favorite of mine. I loved the Barrow Gang and the shoot-out violence. I also remember being sexually aroused by Bonnie (Faye Dunaway) in many scenes. Especially in the beginning of the film when she is laying around naked in the a hot room and Warren Beaty is bellow her window, plotting to steal her mothers car. I always felt that Bonnie & Clyde was a very sexually charged film and I guess I'm not the only one since they now did a hardcore remake. I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I saw the familiar scene in the 2010 porn version. I was a bit excited at first to see more flesh in a scene that turned me on as a kid. The camera took many of the same shots from the 67 classic (again showing talent from Mr. Steele) but botched it all up with some dull acting and lack of inspiration on the dumb blond who plays Bonnie.
Bonny & Clide (2010) has great costumes, very pretty women and some really great hardcore action but the movie is entirely to long. It clocks in somewhere around 4 hours and 15 minutes. The movie is so long because the sex scenes are way to long. There is hardly any story to the film and as usual with these hardcore parodies the plot seems rushed for the next sex scene. Almost every sex scene is a orgy and most of the girls are blond with big fake tits and tattoos, which may bother some who are seeing these great costumes and picturing a period piece. The tattoos didn't bother me much but I am never a fan of the big titted Barby doll porn stars that were so popular in the 90's.
There is one really cool orgy where Bonny & Clide stroll into a poor village and give the people money. Bonny reads her classic ballad very poorly and the peasants have a big fuck fest. This scene mainly stuck out for me because it looked like they used amatures instead of stars and one girl in particular really went all the way for this scene. If she isn't a star yet, I can see her getting big in the near future because she does it all and with much devotion. Aside from this orgy Bonny & Clide gets repetitive fast and although I am against the fast forward button, it is necessary for this one. There is no way I'm gonna sit through four hours of sex. All in all I found this thing to be a big waste of time and its to bad because I know that if Mr. Steele would stop sucking mainstream dick, he could probably make something interesting. Instead he offers big budget fuck-tapes with sex scenes that are way to long and disguises it with some fancy costumes and a under par plot.
Why would you want to remake a movie like Bonnie & Clyde and not even attempt to make the bloody ending worth watching. The ending was the biggest disappointment. Whats next Casablanca the XXX version?

Ultra Flesh (1980)

Remember when filmmakers actually put some thought into pornography and tried to come up with something original? Well it doesn't get much more original then Ultra Flesh. This 1980 porn flick is a sci/fi comedy with all kinds of crazy happenings.
The people of Earth have become impotent due to a diabolical alien named Mr. Sugarman (Jamie Gillis) from the planet "Freon". Sugarman has contaminated the worlds sugar supply leaving the Earthlings in a limber state. Seka plays a sort of super hero alien named Ultra Flesh who cures intergalactic problems through penetration. It is up to Seka to save the people of Earth from the evil Mr. Sugarman.
Seka or Ultra Flesh shoots laser beams from her red hot pussy at the nearest male crotch causing them to become erect once again, While Jamie Gillis is able to freeze people with his ice cold cock. Sugarman & Seka have a sort of showdown or fuck-down to the death. Will Seka's red hot pussy melt Gillis's frozen member or will Sugarman leave her looking like a ice cube? I won't tell you how the great battle ends.
Ultra Flesh also stars Luis De Jesus who most would remember as Ralphus the demented midget in Blood Sucking Freaks. Once again De Jesus plays a villain and this time we get to see him run off with a baby carriage and send it flying into a lake. He also performs a rape scene involving another midget and a python. De Jesus fans will not be disappointed. He has plenty of screen time where he runs around causing all sorts of trouble. In one scene he runs around under a table at a diner party and performs some oral sex on the ladies. John Leslie & Ron Jeremy both show up in this one and we get a good performance from both of them.
Some of the other highlights you have to look forward to is a political conference between world leaders in a bumper-car match, A big fat naked woman rolling down hills and running nude through the snow. A perverted farmer who chases his livestock around with an erection, a bunch of strange looking alien dudes, A giant exploding penis on wheels, A cool 70's esque orgy involving midgets, bondage and whips, occasional artsy camera work and a unique soundtrack.
If ya ever wondered what it would be like if Star Trek had some hardcore sex in it. Your answer is right here. Check it out for some strange intergalactic sex with Seka & Gillis

Official Friday The 13th Parody (2010)

I wanted to see this movie for two reasons. The first being that I am a fan of the Friday The 13th movies and I tend to like some of the shitty spoof, horror porn that they put out these days like The Texas Vibrator Massacre. The second reason is because I personally know Sara Sloane a.k.a. Sara Vandella. Before Sloane was a big star she was just another employee at the sex shop that I work at. So my co-workers and I tend to watch her movies when they come out.

Sara has her own section at my store and we proudly recommend her fuck-tapes to horny customers who seem interested. In return Sara is cool enough to stop by from time to time and take pictures with us (if were lucky, topless) and give us autographs and what not. The girl hasn't forgotten what it is like to be a underpaid smut peddler and we generally have a mutual respect.

However the Friday The 13th Parody let me down on every level. It has to be one of the worst hardcore horror parodies to come out yet and this is coming from a guy who isn't really a fan of the Saw movies but was able to dig the porn version.
Sara Sloane hitchhikes to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp despite the legend of Jason, a man who's penis was so big it weighed him down in the lake like a anchor where he drowned. Now Jason stalks the nudist camp and kills horny visitors with his "flesh eating jizz".
The story sounds funny on paper but comes off horrible on screen. We never get to see Jason do anything cool. He basically just walks around masturbating his huge mutant cock and then he shoots CGI jizz on our porn stars and the scene cuts away. In one part they reenact the Kevin Bacon arrow through the neck scene but it was done so poorly/quickly and with computer graphics that it would have been nice if they just left it out all together. The Parody also reenacts the scene where the councilors play stripopoly and to me this was the only intelligent reference in the whole movie. What better way to get into a hardcore sex scene then a game of strip-monopoly.
The thing that pissed me off the most was a flashback that was supposed to show how Jason died. We are supposed to be back in 1972 and it's the most modern looking scene in the whole movie. Jason is a big muscular Spanish man in a wife-beater with tattoos (ridiculous I know) and the blond bimbo is wearing thigh high hot topic boots and a Gothic mini skirt with a modern day school girl tie and a hipster hat. What the fuck! How the hell did they think this was a good idea?
To top off all this the movie had the nerve to go over the 90 minute mark and Ms. Sloane only had one sex scene. Surprisingly it was the worst sex scene in the whole crappy movie and this really surprised me because she really is good at what she does. I personally feel it was the lame dude they paired her up with but who can say. All I know is the Official Friday The 13th Parody was one big let down after another. Everything from the plot right down to the soundtrack. Don't waste your time on this one. If you feel the need to watch a 2010 xxx/horror/spoof check out Saw : A Hardcore Parody because the Official Friday The 13th Parody, officially sucks!

Clinic Of Torment (1997)

I took this thing out off of the fetish shelf from my store because I wanted to be disturbed. Plus the case was different then the one that I posted above and the back had a description that lead me to believe there was some sort of a story. Usually I am not mislead by marketing schemes but this time I was a victim of circumstance. What I got was not a filthy classic porno film but a hour or so long scene at a doctors clinic and since I am not the kinda guy who is even remotely turned on by B.D.S&M or bondage or any type of sexual torture, Clinic Of Torment was a pretty rough sit through for me.
For 60 some odd minutes I had to rough it through Blue Skye and Summer Cummings, two fake titted bimbos who get off on putting eye drops in each others eyes. This was also the first time I have ever seen a nostril scope. The nurse looks down into the brunette, victims empty head through her nostrils. Not very sexy. Then there is some vagina bondage and a bit of genital piercing play. We get a whole bunch of nipple torture and a lot of whippings. Next the nurse straps a dildo to her "patients" knee and rides it. This followed by a golden shower scene that was pretty much all off screen. We see a bit of yellow spill into a bucket and then this poor excuse for a fuck-tape cuts to the bucket much more filled. The filthy video ends with a enema and the filmmakers had enough decency to not show us the shitty mess.
I almost feel that there might be a harder cut of this thing with piss and shit in it but I cant say for certain. The only thing I can say is that if does exist, I don't ever want to see it.
I'm sure there are plenty of sick bastards out there who would love to add this to their whack stack but I however learned a lesson. No more clinic porn for me, especially if its not a classic. Where is Vanessa Del Rio when you need her?