The Texas Asshole Massacre (2011)

I really don't know why I do it to myself. Maybe its because the O on the dvd cover just screamed out rent me. Maybe its because I enjoy watching awful porno movies. Okay I admit it, its because The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the greatest horror film ever made and due to my life long devotion and obsession with the film I felt compelled to check out the porno, parody of it. I also figured it couldn't be worse then the Hollywood remakes of the classic film. Well I was wrong. The Texas Asshole Massacre has got to be just about the worst XXX Parody around, in the ranks with Nightmare On Dyke Street.

I wish there could be a real massacre taken out on the assholes that made this piece of shit! Try to follow me here. The movie starts off with some modern porn stars in a car explaining how they are going to become legit filmmakers and "Go from the blue-screen all the way to the silver screen". Then they get dropped off at a house where they are both fucked in the ass and deep-throated. Then a Vietnam war veteran makes a bunch of silly faces and rapes a white girl from England because she is a "Gook". He tries to rub her white color off her ass with some spit claiming that she painted herself and he knows she is a "Gook". Aside from the sheer racism of this scene he also searches her pussy for "Weapons and razorblades". He also sticks his cock in a bowl of Chili and makes the girl deep-throat it. Then we have another scene in which a female cook eats semen from a bowl of Chili. Oh and she also does some deep-throating and has asshole sex. In the last minutes of the movie a girl is running through the woods naked and doing her best Marilyn Burns impression as a big titted bitch in a apron chases her around, swinging a big dildo around. What the fuck!

I feel like whoever made this piece of shit might have seen one or two scenes from the original movie and felt it was okay to make a parody. This thing might as well have been called deep-throating-chili-asshole-fuckers because it is certainly not a spoof on Texas Chainsaw. For a better pornographic take on Texas Chainsaw check out The Texas Vibrator Massacre. That one wont let you down. Fuck this movie right in its chili-holes.

Anna Obsessed (1977)

This is one of my all time favorite horror porno's from the 70's. It plays like a slasher film with many of the cliche slash-em prototypes and the disturbing uneasy feel of a rape/revenge flick.

This one also goes under the shorter title of Obsessed and is released in cut and uncut versions. I unfortunately own the trimmed down version which is surprisingly graphic and violent at times so I can only wonder what contents are in the full uncut version.

Anna Obsessed stars Annette Haven (Reflections, Dracula Sucks, Soft Places) as a lesbian who ingages in some cunnilingus with Constance Money. Meanwhile there is a rapist/murderer stalking the suburban homes of Long Island and Mrs. Money is next on the list for a night of terror. Anna Obsessed offers up a bunch of jump-scares in true slasher fashion, weird dreamy flashbacks and a bit of the ultra violence. One scene that stands out in particular is quite a disturbing one. Constance Money is abducted and raped by the L.I. killer. She is chocked and probed with a pistol.

The average horror hound will probably see the surprise ending coming from a mile away but it still makes for a good watch. This tasteless classic is the perfect flick to watch with a group of sleazy, drunken friends. Watch for Jamie Gillis in a horny secretary's fantasies.

A Nightmare On Dyke Street (1992)

Possibly the worst porno parody I have ever seen and that's a pretty hard goal to achieve. This thing makes absolutely no sense at all. Dyke Street is obviously supposed to be a spoof on The Nightmare On Elm Street movies and yes we do have a Freddy Kruger character who shows up in the dreams of our female lead Samantha. We know when we are in dream land not only because Freddy appears but because the set is suddenly covered in Christmas tree tinsel. Why the film makers thought tinsel was a good effect is beyond me but the cast and sets are covered in it. The tinsel is so obviously annoying to the actors as the pull the shiny, festive, slivers away from their genitals. This stuff is getting in their vagina's for Christ sake. Next the film will cut away and the tinsel which was just removed will be back again as if the director was screaming "more tinsel! Don't touch the tinsel!".

Aside from the obnoxious Christmas decorations, Freddy doesn't really do much and for some reason he wears a long black wig. I don't know if this is supposed to mean that Freddy is a lesbian because there is no fucking dialogue in the movie other then the occasional moan and groan. Maybe he is supposed to be a woman, after all the movie is called A Nightmare On "Dyke" Street. Lesbian or not Freddy sports anal beads instead of knives for fingers but never puts them to use. Instead he/she just rubs them on women's ass and clits. Who the fuck thought this thing up? Three directors are credited for this thing which is even more embarrassing. One of them is to blame for Halloweenie which I am yet to see but Dyke Street is really pulling me in the opposite direction.

As if this isn't all weird enough we also have a bit of racism thrown into a scene where a bunch of white students make fun of their black teacher and shout out "Hammer time" constantly. They also draw a picture of a man with a huge Afro on the blackboard with an arrow going to his penis. Captioned underneath it says "Hammer time". Next the black teacher strips down to nothing but his belt and screws one of his students as Freddy watches. We also have a bunch of audio taken from Full Metal Jacket which is mixed into the shitty techno soundtrack.

It is a hell of a task to make it through A Nightmare On Dyke Street in one sitting and I strongly recommend staying far away from this grabastic piece of amphibian shit.