Sylvia (1977)

Sylvia also known as A Saint, A Woman, A Devil is another strange one from the 70's. Sylvia is played by Joanna Bell and she has never done anything before or since. She portrays Sylvia as a odd-ball, anti-social, religious fanatic with multiple nymphomaniac personalities. At first glance Joanna Bells acting seems to be incredibly awkward with weird facial expressions that don't seem to match the scene or surrounding actions or moods.

For example if Sylvia is checking out a mans package she tightens her lips and her eyes twitch with a crooked grin. I'm not sure if the facial expressions were part of Peter Savage's direction but it certainly makes Sylvia even weirder.

Then we have some typically 70's tasteless material such as a incestuous scene between mother and daughter involving some dildo's. We also get a big orgy with interracial action, lesbian action and some disturbing nipple tassel shaking.

Then there is a nasty rape scene which shows the great Turk Turpin who I remember best for his role in Defiance Of Good as the big black male nurse who wanted to be the first to rape Jean Jennings. Well this time around he does plenty of rapping, slapping, beating and whipping on a virginal type character who doesn't do any hardcore in this one. Even the rape scene surprisingly enough didn't show any penetration. I suppose they knew the scene was strong enough to sand on its own without the XXX stuff.

Next Sylvia takes another surprising turn when Sonny Landham from Predator shows up as a helpless junkie, shaking and twitching and rolling about in violent spasms as he screams out for a fix. We do get to see Sonny put his junkie cock to use in one of the better sex scenes in the film but his best moment involves a violent robbery scene in a doctors office. There is guns, switchblades, broken bottles and blood and Sonny Landham's acting proves he belonged doing bigger things then hardcore porno flicks.

Sylvia is a little bit all over the place with a very shaky plot and at one point it almost takes a Exorcist ripoff turn and my personal favorite scene shows Sylvia attack a priest with a giant crucifix. She goes on long anti religious rantings and forces the priest or as she calls him "Slave boy" to take off his clothes and she proceeds to rape the man of god all the while ranting about how she is the devil and she commands his will.

The version of the film I saw was extremely cut. Apparently the original uncut version goes at 90 minutes and the VCX print that I picked up is cut down to 73. Its almost hard to believe considering the version I saw had some rough material in it. Makes me wonder what I'm missing. I suppose the problems with the plot is probably due to the rapist in the cutting room, chopping the hell out of this movie. Still Sylvia is a good blasphemous time with hardcore sex, rape, incest and some very strange actors.

Teenage Cruisers (1977)

What we have here is 70's porno filled with rockabilly music and ridiculous trashy happenings. Sounds like the perfect movie for a guy like me... Well it was an experience, I'll give it that.

Teenage Cruisers also known as Young, Hot 'N Nasty Teenage Cruisers a.k.a. Cruisin For Sex and just plain Cruisin (Not to be mistaken for the Al Pacino homosexual slasher) is a big mess of silly scenes thrown together and director/Rockabilly singer Johnny Legend is probably mostly to blame. Not only is he into sleazy rock & roll and sleazy women but the man is a sleaze film-fanatic and you can really see all of his influence on the film. Cheap horror movie posters are plastered all over the walls, from movies like Creature From The Black Lagoon to Mario Bava's Black Sabbath. He also fills the movie to the brim with Rockabilly greats like Charlie Feathers and Billy Zoom. There is also an awesome song performed by Alvis Wayne called I Wanna Eat Your Pudding. I will definitely be searching for more Alvis after that song. Mr. Legend plays in the movie as well as a radio show host and he also plays a gig and performs a few songs including Hot Rocks.

The main problem with this one is how mashed up it all is. We have Mr. Legend as the dope-smoking, hip, radio show host, we have a nympho maniac on the run named Babbs, we have a Vietnam veteran who blows a never ending load, we have 70's sex loops staring John C. Holmes, we have long haired hippies, greasers, a hit and run murder and a donkey-show. Yet somehow we are supposed to believe this is the 50's. It makes no sense. All of the cars are 70's vehicles and even the greasers have long hippie hair. This movie should be seen only by those who love weird novelty movies because it is as bizarre as they come, its just to bad the movie didn't make a little more sense.

Night Of The Giving Head (2008)

Night Of The Giving Head is a all around retarded spoof on the the classic 1968 George A. Romero flesh eating zombie flick. This one opens up with a guy and girl in in a cemetery having a argument. No their names are not Barbara and Johnny. However the argument comes to a end when a topless, staggering ghoul approaches them. The nudie ghoul groans "More cock! More cum!" over and over again and its not long before she is sucking the pants off of the (should be) Johnny character.

Apparently men's seamen is tainted and the "Sperm-a-raise" with in the man goop is turning nubile women into cock & cum hungry nympho sluts. Once a man ejaculates, he dies but the zombie sluts stagger on, looking for more fresh meat.

Night Of The Giving Head is so stupid that its even hard for a brain-dead horror/trash junkie like myself to like it. Sure it offers up a couple of sexy sluts and a nice sex scene here and there (my favorite consists of a lesbian, zombie, strap-on scene) but it really is more of a novelty title. After all the only reason I picked it up was do to the title. I don't care about the toolbox film makers involved, that's for sure.

If this one doesn't sound dumb enough already just try to make it to the films final when the bimbo hero's learn that whipped cream is the solution to the cock and cum sucking zombie epidemic. We have the privilege of watch countless zombie bitches suck down whipped cream. Dumb! Night Of The Giving Head also offers up some decaying flesh, a cheesy goth girl, a giant zombie orgy, nut busting action and some fat zombie bitches who clearly do not belong in this movie. Only watch this one if there is nothing left in the classic section at your local porn store.

Deep Throat (1972)

Deep Throat, the king of porn never gets old. Especially when you throw some friends and beer into the mix. Linda Lovelace plays... well Linda. A girl with no clitoris. Well at least not where it belongs. Nope, Linda's clit is in the back of her throat and for this reason she has never had an orgasm. This is until she goes to Dr. Young played by the pornograpghic comedian Harry Reems. Harry teaches Linda the art of Deep Throat and with the help of the brilliant theme song, Linda is a pro. before long.

Once Linda learns the secrets of Deep Throat and reaches her long awaited climax, she goes to work for Dr. Young as a scantily clad nurse who is of course more of a call girl. She See's a man in some shiny panties who puts tubes in her vagina and drinks cahampagne from her gaping hole. She also sucks and fucks Dr. Young raw. "No! No! I can never marry you Linda. How much of this Deep Throat do you think I can take?" With Dr. Young's refusal of marriage Linda searches for the perfect husband and he has to be at least eight inches long. Well she eventually does find mister right. He just so happens to be a rapist named Wilber Wang and he has all the right parts to hit Linda's "Tinglier".

Deep Throat is a true classic from Gerard Damiano, the same genius who directed The Devil In Miss Jones. Devil and Throat may be the two movies that Damiano will forever be remembered by and its pretty amazing how completely far from each other (aside from the sex) the two films really are. Where The Devil In Miss Jones is a total downer of a movie, opening with a suicide and ending in a eternity of hell, Deep Throat is pure fun from beginning to end. From the off the wall soundtrack to the awful acting. Deep Throat never loses its touch.

Blue Heat (1978)

This one takes the classic movie within a movie and puts a whole new pornographic twist on it, when a porno production team is tracked down by the mafia. The first half of the film doesn't work very well at all because we see various stages of film making and the problems that amaturs come across in the process. We see editing, camera angles and lots of discussion on audio complications. Its a bit hard not to laugh when the actors are stumbling on lines and background noises interfere with dialogue. Especially in one scene in a editing room where the editor is upset and requests the film be dubbed over due to squeaky couch noises. If only a squeaky couch was the issue at hand on this one.

I found the second half of the film more interesting when I realized that Blue Heat was basically a message dealing with the struggle of film makers in the adult industry in the 70's. Its no secret that the mob had their hands in the pockets of the so called artists and by the end of Blue Heat, the film almost comes off as a cry for help. There is no escape from the dangerous mobsters in the film and I suppose this is how some of the casts and crews felt back in those days.

Aside from the protest type plot, Blue Heat tries to be funny and there is lots of homage payed to the industry its self. Dorothy Lemay shows up as Annette Slavin (kinda funny) and she gives a pretty decent blowjob scene. This is followed by a strange rape scene involving a massive dildo at the hands of a money hungry mobster. Blue Heat also steals the brilliant musical score from Hitchcocks Psycho during a rough-her-up scene and one can't help but laugh. We also have a very odd scene and I still can't really tell if it was supposed to be funny or not. It shows a couple in bed discussing their fear of the mafia. Then the girl pulls the sheets up and we see a stuffed animal head peaking out from the sheets. The couple start screaming as if it was a decapitated pet of theirs. I really hope this scene was supposed to be funny because its just reidiculous.

Not the best of 70's porns but definitely not the worst either. Worth a look for all the nostalgia nerds out there who are interested in the dark side of 70's adult cinema.

Bizarre Moods (1982)

 

The description on the back of the DVD that I picked up reads "Vanessa licks her boyfriends ass and fucks it with a dildo while she sucks his dick in one of her wettest and sleaziest films!". After reading this I figured that Bizarre Moods was going to be a short stag film without a plot. Well it turns out to be a 54 min. feature and although there is barely a story, the film does try to tell a tale about magic rings. Not cock-rings... regular rings. Gloria Leonard gets a piece of paper in the mail that says "soak me" and Gloria immediately places the paper under a running faucet and the paper magically turns into rings. Once she puts the rings on her fingers she becomes a total nympho-matic, slut in heat. First she sits on the toilet and fills her holes with a double sided dildo and talks dirty to herself. Then she convinces her roommates to try the rings out with this brilliant statement "this will get you really hot". Gloria and her roommates have a interracial threesome and as the audience we have no choice but to believe these rings really work because we just watched the two roommates have some crazy cream-pie anal sex and now they are ready to go again.

Vanessa Del Rio does show up in this movie and its not long before she is wearing the rings and acting out the filthy description on the back of the DVD but my personal favorite scene in the movie shows a married couple in a hotel room in New York. The man rips off his girls clothes and starts smacking her around. The dialogue is amazing in this scene. "I didn't come to New York to fuck around. I want some of this Deep Throat we been hearing about. Suck my dick bitch". Then he rams his member down her throat and starts whipping her with his belt. The actress jumps up, lets out a scream while holding her face and says "You hit me in the eye" Then the film cuts to a close up of her bloody eye. The fucking guy actually did get her in the eye and the film maker had enough class to exploit it and keep rolling. I wish I could give the director credit but nobody seems to know where this one came from. With no director credited I'd like to think of it as a movie from mars. To make this thing even one step weirder, Bizarre Moods sports Pink Floyd on the soundtracks and although I have never been much of a fan of these guys, I can appreciate their music a whole lot more when its playing over a nasty ass-fuck scene.

The truth is Bizarre Moods isn't a very good movie but the mix of Vanessa's ass-play, eyeball beatings and Pink Floyd keep it weird and entertaining enough for at least one viewing.

 

Come With Me My Love (1976)

Like your hardcore XXX with a body count? Here's one for ya... Come With Me My Love opens up with a double murder, suicide. It starts with a sex scene set back in 1925. A man walks in to find his wife sitting on another mans face and blowing him. I guess he isn't the biggest fan of 69 position because he shoots them both dead and then blows his brains out. Jump forward to 1976 and a woman is moving into the apartment where the threesome met their violent end. Little does she know the house is still haunted with the ghost of the killer. This ghost is one hell of a possessive guy because he becomes quite attached to the new girl. He even puts his ex-wife's ring on her finger. Oh, and he also kills off every guy who she sleeps with.

Come With Me My Love also known as Come With Me My Ghost a.k.a The Haunted Pussy and Stay With Me My Love was directed by Sexploitation pioneer Doris Wishman. Despite her lies about never doing a pornographic film, here it is. The director is credited as Luigi Manicottale but it is no other then Mrs. Doris (Nude On The Moon) Wishman. The awful dubbing and odd choice of music kind of proves that its a Doris Wishman flick. Still it proves to be another oddity title from the queen of exploitation. Its a horror/ghost/porno flick and it casts Vanessa Del Rio, Annie Sprinkles, and Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust and Debbie Does Dallas. Come With Me My Love offers up a heavy breathing ghost, a crazy kid who hides behind trees and throws snowballs at porn stars and a body count of 7. Three deaths by gun shot, A man is electrocuted in the bathtub with the old toaster oven trick. Annie Sprinkles catches a knife between her giant jugs, A man is pushed out of a city building window and we get a drug over dose.

What Come With Me Does not offer is a coherent plot line, Which is pretty normal for a Wishman flick. Its pretty much a giant jumble of sex scenes and heavy breathing ghosts. It really had potential to be a great 70's porn flick but falls short with the exhausting porn scenes. Of course its still a million times more interesting then anything that anyone is putting out today. Its just to bad Wishman didn't put a little more effort into it.

A interesting watch for Wishman fans and anyone who is into the most bizarre of classic adult cinema. Everyone else should probably skip it. This thing is available through VCX Video, Something Weird Video and was also released on a double bill with Satan Was A Lady (1975).