A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011)

Another stupid horror-porn-parody from the 2000's. Apparently there was a porno film of the same title in 1990 but I have never seen that one and I couldn't even find much information about it. So does that mean that this is a remake of the 90's film? Who cares...

I guess I can be grateful that A Wet Dream On Elm Street (2011) wasn't quite as hard to sit through as the 1992 Freddy parody A Nightmare On Dyke Street which could possibly be the worst porn parody I have ever seen.

Like Dyke Street the new  2011 parody offers a burnt Freddy with a glove that comes complete with sex toys for fingers. In Dyke Street Freddy's fingers were anal beads of some sort that he never really inserted anywhere. This time around he has vibrators for fingers and he doesn't really put them to use here either. On the plus side Freddy's makeup is much better in this movie and we even get a bit of a back story.

Freddy was some what of a sleaze merchant. Or a smut peddler if you will. He sold over priced sex toys out of the trunk of his car to local perverts. Eventually the towns people had enough of Freddy and burned him alive. Freddy swore vengeance on the people who killed him. Now Freddy haunts the local teenagers in there dreams and leaves them in a comatose state of constant orgasm.

Yes the story is fucking dumb but what would you expect? At least they offered something of a story unlike so many other porn parodies that come out these days. This one also offers up a few laughs, mainly from our protagonist. In one of the best scenes a girl calls our gloved villain Jason and he replies "It's fucking Freddy". and speaking of Jason I have to admit I also liked this one better then Official Friday The 13th Parody.

The girls are average and none of them offer anything very unique or memorable. One of them is a bit on the chunky side with giant swinging utters. Then we have a screechy voiced brunette who spits and slobbers all over the place. We get a skinny bitch in a prison dream with microscopic breasts and I suppose the hottest scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with a brunette who pleases herself with Freddy's glove.

This thing was directed by Lee Roy Myers, the same clown who did The Humansexipede (First Sequence : A Porn Parody). Apparently Myers is making a career of doing all porn parody's. Maybe one day he will get one right.

I really wouldn't recommend this movie to anybody unless they have some sort of burn victim fetish and if that is the case I think you would be better off watching The Burning. However the dvd does have a really funny extra called Freddy's Sex Tips. Check that out for some awesome sex advice from a old burnt up pervert.

The Texas Asshole Massacre (2011)

I really don't know why I do it to myself. Maybe its because the O on the dvd cover just screamed out rent me. Maybe its because I enjoy watching awful porno movies. Okay I admit it, its because The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the greatest horror film ever made and due to my life long devotion and obsession with the film I felt compelled to check out the porno, parody of it. I also figured it couldn't be worse then the Hollywood remakes of the classic film. Well I was wrong. The Texas Asshole Massacre has got to be just about the worst XXX Parody around, in the ranks with Nightmare On Dyke Street.

I wish there could be a real massacre taken out on the assholes that made this piece of shit! Try to follow me here. The movie starts off with some modern porn stars in a car explaining how they are going to become legit filmmakers and "Go from the blue-screen all the way to the silver screen". Then they get dropped off at a house where they are both fucked in the ass and deep-throated. Then a Vietnam war veteran makes a bunch of silly faces and rapes a white girl from England because she is a "Gook". He tries to rub her white color off her ass with some spit claiming that she painted herself and he knows she is a "Gook". Aside from the sheer racism of this scene he also searches her pussy for "Weapons and razorblades". He also sticks his cock in a bowl of Chili and makes the girl deep-throat it. Then we have another scene in which a female cook eats semen from a bowl of Chili. Oh and she also does some deep-throating and has asshole sex. In the last minutes of the movie a girl is running through the woods naked and doing her best Marilyn Burns impression as a big titted bitch in a apron chases her around, swinging a big dildo around. What the fuck!

I feel like whoever made this piece of shit might have seen one or two scenes from the original movie and felt it was okay to make a parody. This thing might as well have been called deep-throating-chili-asshole-fuckers because it is certainly not a spoof on Texas Chainsaw. For a better pornographic take on Texas Chainsaw check out The Texas Vibrator Massacre. That one wont let you down. Fuck this movie right in its chili-holes.

Anna Obsessed (1977)

This is one of my all time favorite horror porno's from the 70's. It plays like a slasher film with many of the cliche slash-em prototypes and the disturbing uneasy feel of a rape/revenge flick.

This one also goes under the shorter title of Obsessed and is released in cut and uncut versions. I unfortunately own the trimmed down version which is surprisingly graphic and violent at times so I can only wonder what contents are in the full uncut version.

Anna Obsessed stars Annette Haven (Reflections, Dracula Sucks, Soft Places) as a lesbian who ingages in some cunnilingus with Constance Money. Meanwhile there is a rapist/murderer stalking the suburban homes of Long Island and Mrs. Money is next on the list for a night of terror. Anna Obsessed offers up a bunch of jump-scares in true slasher fashion, weird dreamy flashbacks and a bit of the ultra violence. One scene that stands out in particular is quite a disturbing one. Constance Money is abducted and raped by the L.I. killer. She is chocked and probed with a pistol.

The average horror hound will probably see the surprise ending coming from a mile away but it still makes for a good watch. This tasteless classic is the perfect flick to watch with a group of sleazy, drunken friends. Watch for Jamie Gillis in a horny secretary's fantasies.

A Nightmare On Dyke Street (1992)

Possibly the worst porno parody I have ever seen and that's a pretty hard goal to achieve. This thing makes absolutely no sense at all. Dyke Street is obviously supposed to be a spoof on The Nightmare On Elm Street movies and yes we do have a Freddy Kruger character who shows up in the dreams of our female lead Samantha. We know when we are in dream land not only because Freddy appears but because the set is suddenly covered in Christmas tree tinsel. Why the film makers thought tinsel was a good effect is beyond me but the cast and sets are covered in it. The tinsel is so obviously annoying to the actors as the pull the shiny, festive, slivers away from their genitals. This stuff is getting in their vagina's for Christ sake. Next the film will cut away and the tinsel which was just removed will be back again as if the director was screaming "more tinsel! Don't touch the tinsel!".

Aside from the obnoxious Christmas decorations, Freddy doesn't really do much and for some reason he wears a long black wig. I don't know if this is supposed to mean that Freddy is a lesbian because there is no fucking dialogue in the movie other then the occasional moan and groan. Maybe he is supposed to be a woman, after all the movie is called A Nightmare On "Dyke" Street. Lesbian or not Freddy sports anal beads instead of knives for fingers but never puts them to use. Instead he/she just rubs them on women's ass and clits. Who the fuck thought this thing up? Three directors are credited for this thing which is even more embarrassing. One of them is to blame for Halloweenie which I am yet to see but Dyke Street is really pulling me in the opposite direction.

As if this isn't all weird enough we also have a bit of racism thrown into a scene where a bunch of white students make fun of their black teacher and shout out "Hammer time" constantly. They also draw a picture of a man with a huge Afro on the blackboard with an arrow going to his penis. Captioned underneath it says "Hammer time". Next the black teacher strips down to nothing but his belt and screws one of his students as Freddy watches. We also have a bunch of audio taken from Full Metal Jacket which is mixed into the shitty techno soundtrack.

It is a hell of a task to make it through A Nightmare On Dyke Street in one sitting and I strongly recommend staying far away from this grabastic piece of amphibian shit.

A Clockwork Orgy (1995)

The porno parody thing has gotten out of hand with dozens of titles each month. It is getting so bad that different production teams are releasing their own versions of the same classic movie, sometimes only weeks apart (Halloween : XXX Porn Parody, Official Halloween Parody). A Clockwork Orgy on the other hand dates back to 1995 and when parodies were few and far between.

This thing is slightly upscale compared to most of the porno-spoofs that come out today. The acting is better then normal or at least from some of the actors and its obvious that the crew really did their homework on Stanley Kubrick's classic A Clockwork Orange. The wardrobe looks great and the slight play on words from the unique style of writing is brilliant. "I have a rather intolerable pain in the gashy-washy Mrs."

A Clockwork Orange being one of the biggest cult films ever made it is obvious that this pornographic version is bound to have a following of its own. The real downside to it all is the destruction of the musical soundtrack. Where in the original film the music adds so much to the visuals on the screen, the score in the pornographic version almost hurts the film. The electronic 90's music is annoying and amateurish and just doesn't suit the movie at all. Aside from the shitty score, the movie was shot on 35mm and doesn't look half bad. Of course it doesn't hold that gritty feel of the 70's and 80's porn but still looks better then the digital garbage they release today. Another problem with the film is yet again another reflection of the times. The girls all look so plastic. That of course being the look of the 90's but was always quite unattractive to me. Blond babes filled with silicone. They look great dressed up in their droogy gear but once they shed the clothes it really becomes a turn off.

A Clockwork Orgy offers up home invasion rape, bum-sex, anal sex, oral sex (complete with facials), funny dialogue,Watch for my favorite scene when one of the Droogs sits on a mans face. When they tell him to "Eat that pussy!" he replies (through a muffled voice) "I am". We also get some boot licking for all you weirdo shoe fetishists out there and some lesbian-fu as well.

Worth owning as a novelty if nothing else.

All The Way In (1984)

This is the very first porno film I ever saw in full and for that reason alone it will always hold a spot in my heart. I have no idea how many times I have seen it and am always ready for another screening and the best part is that it isn't even that good of a film. Directed by Bob Chinn who would later be remembered for his Johnny Wadd series, this cheesy 80's flick stars Candy Samples who I remember best from Russ Meyer's Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra Vixens. Candy plays Mrs. Fantasy whom runs a column in a dirty magazine called Ultra Flesh, not to be mistaken for the porno-super-hero flick of the same title staring Seka. Anyway Candy isn't feeling up to her normal nympho self ever since she fell in love with a man named Pat who left her high and dry. Ronnie the rocket Jeremy, Mai Lin, and Eric Edwards do their best along with many others to get the old Mrs. Fantasy back but only Pat has that magic touch.

Jeremy has the best scene in the movie where he manipulates young models into doing the dirty. Mai Lin has a couple of hot scenes herself and Candy's scenes... Well those are always a rough sit but that just makes the film all the more entertaining. As a added bonus Mr. Russ Meyer shows up for a cameo where he bumps into Candy Samples on a airplane. He looks down at her massive melons and says "Where have I seen those before?". The film also offers a tid bit of S&M in a scene that shows Samples without her mullet.

All The Way In is supposed to be a comedic drama with a sensitive love story but it doesn't come off that way. It comes off as pure comedy and the bad story makes the film even more funny. You're guaranteed to laugh!

This Lady Is A Tramp (1980)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.