A Nightmare On Dyke Street (1992)

Possibly the worst porno parody I have ever seen and that's a pretty hard goal to achieve. This thing makes absolutely no sense at all. Dyke Street is obviously supposed to be a spoof on The Nightmare On Elm Street movies and yes we do have a Freddy Kruger character who shows up in the dreams of our female lead Samantha. We know when we are in dream land not only because Freddy appears but because the set is suddenly covered in Christmas tree tinsel. Why the film makers thought tinsel was a good effect is beyond me but the cast and sets are covered in it. The tinsel is so obviously annoying to the actors as the pull the shiny, festive, slivers away from their genitals. This stuff is getting in their vagina's for Christ sake. Next the film will cut away and the tinsel which was just removed will be back again as if the director was screaming "more tinsel! Don't touch the tinsel!".

Aside from the obnoxious Christmas decorations, Freddy doesn't really do much and for some reason he wears a long black wig. I don't know if this is supposed to mean that Freddy is a lesbian because there is no fucking dialogue in the movie other then the occasional moan and groan. Maybe he is supposed to be a woman, after all the movie is called A Nightmare On "Dyke" Street. Lesbian or not Freddy sports anal beads instead of knives for fingers but never puts them to use. Instead he/she just rubs them on women's ass and clits. Who the fuck thought this thing up? Three directors are credited for this thing which is even more embarrassing. One of them is to blame for Halloweenie which I am yet to see but Dyke Street is really pulling me in the opposite direction.

As if this isn't all weird enough we also have a bit of racism thrown into a scene where a bunch of white students make fun of their black teacher and shout out "Hammer time" constantly. They also draw a picture of a man with a huge Afro on the blackboard with an arrow going to his penis. Captioned underneath it says "Hammer time". Next the black teacher strips down to nothing but his belt and screws one of his students as Freddy watches. We also have a bunch of audio taken from Full Metal Jacket which is mixed into the shitty techno soundtrack.

It is a hell of a task to make it through A Nightmare On Dyke Street in one sitting and I strongly recommend staying far away from this grabastic piece of amphibian shit.

A Clockwork Orgy (1995)

The porno parody thing has gotten out of hand with dozens of titles each month. It is getting so bad that different production teams are releasing their own versions of the same classic movie, sometimes only weeks apart (Halloween : XXX Porn Parody, Official Halloween Parody). A Clockwork Orgy on the other hand dates back to 1995 and when parodies were few and far between.

This thing is slightly upscale compared to most of the porno-spoofs that come out today. The acting is better then normal or at least from some of the actors and its obvious that the crew really did their homework on Stanley Kubrick's classic A Clockwork Orange. The wardrobe looks great and the slight play on words from the unique style of writing is brilliant. "I have a rather intolerable pain in the gashy-washy Mrs."

A Clockwork Orange being one of the biggest cult films ever made it is obvious that this pornographic version is bound to have a following of its own. The real downside to it all is the destruction of the musical soundtrack. Where in the original film the music adds so much to the visuals on the screen, the score in the pornographic version almost hurts the film. The electronic 90's music is annoying and amateurish and just doesn't suit the movie at all. Aside from the shitty score, the movie was shot on 35mm and doesn't look half bad. Of course it doesn't hold that gritty feel of the 70's and 80's porn but still looks better then the digital garbage they release today. Another problem with the film is yet again another reflection of the times. The girls all look so plastic. That of course being the look of the 90's but was always quite unattractive to me. Blond babes filled with silicone. They look great dressed up in their droogy gear but once they shed the clothes it really becomes a turn off.

A Clockwork Orgy offers up home invasion rape, bum-sex, anal sex, oral sex (complete with facials), funny dialogue,Watch for my favorite scene when one of the Droogs sits on a mans face. When they tell him to "Eat that pussy!" he replies (through a muffled voice) "I am". We also get some boot licking for all you weirdo shoe fetishists out there and some lesbian-fu as well.

Worth owning as a novelty if nothing else.

All The Way In (1984)

This is the very first porno film I ever saw in full and for that reason alone it will always hold a spot in my heart. I have no idea how many times I have seen it and am always ready for another screening and the best part is that it isn't even that good of a film. Directed by Bob Chinn who would later be remembered for his Johnny Wadd series, this cheesy 80's flick stars Candy Samples who I remember best from Russ Meyer's Beneath The Valley Of The Ultra Vixens. Candy plays Mrs. Fantasy whom runs a column in a dirty magazine called Ultra Flesh, not to be mistaken for the porno-super-hero flick of the same title staring Seka. Anyway Candy isn't feeling up to her normal nympho self ever since she fell in love with a man named Pat who left her high and dry. Ronnie the rocket Jeremy, Mai Lin, and Eric Edwards do their best along with many others to get the old Mrs. Fantasy back but only Pat has that magic touch.

Jeremy has the best scene in the movie where he manipulates young models into doing the dirty. Mai Lin has a couple of hot scenes herself and Candy's scenes... Well those are always a rough sit but that just makes the film all the more entertaining. As a added bonus Mr. Russ Meyer shows up for a cameo where he bumps into Candy Samples on a airplane. He looks down at her massive melons and says "Where have I seen those before?". The film also offers a tid bit of S&M in a scene that shows Samples without her mullet.

All The Way In is supposed to be a comedic drama with a sensitive love story but it doesn't come off that way. It comes off as pure comedy and the bad story makes the film even more funny. You're guaranteed to laugh!

This Lady Is A Tramp (1980)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bon Appétit (1980)

Not a bad porno flick but has little to none replay value. The acting isn't horrible and we get plenty of locations from around the globe. The only problem is that its a love story. Its all done to nicely and of course whenever us sickos are subjected to movies that are to nice, we feel that there was nothing very memorable about the film.

A working class girl named Faith (Played by Kelly Nichols, Ultra Flesh, Toolbox Murders) leaves her deadbeat boyfriend for the opportunity to make a quarter of a million dollars. Her task is to fuck the ten most desirable men who were voted in by some high society yuppie bitches. Faith has 50 days to complete her filthy mission. The men consists of famous painters, a famous anchor man for channel 6 news, a politician, a famous fashion designer. etc. The only problem is that she is falling in love with her partner/photographer.

If I was to make a list of the ten most desirable men it would have been a much more interesting movie. We would have the one and only cabbage-patch-kids-faced, Arch Hall Jr. (The Sadist), Vigilante mustache bad-ass Charles Bronson (Death Wish), The Italian stallion Franco Nero (Django), Blaxploitation bad-ass ladies-man Fred Williamson (Black Caesar), Porno super star Harry Reams (Deep Throat), Rock & roll legend G.G. Allin (Hated : G.G. Allin And The Murder Junkies), King of orgies and and serial killings Charles Manson, Mutant cock Johnny the wad Holmes (Teenage Madam), The Marlboro Man himself William Smith (Run Angel Run) and of course David Hess from Last House On The Left. Now that would make for a memorable movie.

Ron Jeremy shows up for a cameo in Bon Appétit as a television announcer but doesn't put his rocket to use. Randy West (Playing With Fire) plays Faith's lover and over acts his jealousy a bit. He also makes silly faces as he strips and tries to taunt the audience with his body but for me the best and most memorable scene takes place in a dirty porn theater in Washington where Faith gives a blowjob to a perverted politician while obscenities are being shouted from the speakers of the theater. Whatever movie they were watching, I'm sure it was better then Bon Appétit.

I put this one into the category of couples/porn and that means skip it.

The Legend Of Lady Blue (1978)

The alternate title to this is Confessions Of Lady Blue but I have a confession to make. I am embraced of myself for even renting this lovey-dovy piece of shit. Naturally this nostalgic piece of smut appealed to me due to the fact that it was from the 70's and also has the word BLUE in it. Little did I know that this thing was made for a female audience. Maybe if they marketed it that way, I would have kept my pride and have stayed far away.

The Legend Of Lady Blue tells the sappy tale of two virgin lovers who go all the way before they split paths. Boy goes to the Marines and girl goes to Hollywood to be a star. Well things don't go as planned because boy becomes a love-sick junkie who shoots heroin and slaps Vietnamese prostitutes around and girl becomes a total whore bag who preforms cunnilingus on her superiors to get where she has to go.

Sure there are a couple of funny moments, one of which shows a homoerotic African American circle jerk (complete with silly orgasm faces) but the rest of the movie is just to god damn sensitive. Not my cup of tea. Last time I checked I had a penis which means this movie doesn't appeal to me in the least.

Halloween : XXX Porn Parody (2011)

As if the Hollywood studios weren't bad enough with all of the classic horror movie remakes... The pron industry is no better. Smash Pictures drops to a new low by shitting out their own Halloween porn parody only months after Zero Tolerance released theirs.

I had a really hard time deciding which one of these horror-porn parodies was worse. Zero Tolerance's Official Halloween Parody was horrible but offered up some real good laughs by Dr. Loomis character played by James Bartholet (Saw : A Hardcore Parody) but Smash Pictures released a movie that is much more true to the classic 1978 John Carpenter's Halloween. All of the main focal points of the original movie are thrown into this one and are of course surrounded with hardcore sex scenes.

The girls are also better looking in this version but the acting is as bad as can be. The character of Dr. Loomis is fucking horrible and had me praying for the laughs from James Bartholet. Another thing that caught my eye was how bruised up all the girls were in the Smash Pictures version.

Laurie is the shy goodie-girl that we know and love in the original and all of her friends think she is a virgin but in reality she is quite the freak. She sits home and masturbated to masked madmen in shitty horror movies. Her fetish fails to be true when Michael Myers is chasing her around the house with a kitchen knife. Myers does get some pussy in this one and he does it in true Jewish fashion, Through a sheet of course. "Can I get your ghost Bob".

This horror-porno-parody offers up memorable quotes from the original, really obnoxious screaming, a throat slashing, stabbings, a sewing needle to the neck, coat hanger to the eye, shootings, strangulation, shitty camera work and black & blue'd porno-sluts. If I had to chose I would say this is the better of the two. Its still ridiculous, offensive and lacks in creativity but what do you expect from a mindless, money-hungry industry?

I would assume that Smash Pictures has broken down the boundaries of pride yet again that all forms of self respect has gone out the window and we can expect more then one remake of the same movie every year.

Only worth a watch if you can't find anything better to do with your time. Unless of course you have some kind of weird fetish for light skin girls with dark bruises.